tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43704223661250779232024-03-05T01:59:38.467-06:00Fostering a BlessingMy journey as a single adoptive mom to two teenage boys who spent years in foster care and a toy dachshund puppy, a westie mix, and a shepherd mix. Some might consider our home a combination of homeless shelter, fraternity house, and humane society. I call it home.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.comBlogger2921125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-18089331826374657952018-09-09T14:34:00.001-05:002018-09-09T14:34:14.883-05:00How Could You Know - Things Aren't Always What They SeemBig feelings....after years of attending therapy with Will I have talked about my share of "big feelings". I have learned how to identify them in others and see when they are affecting behaviors.<br />
<br />
There is a part of me cringing as I think about what I am wanting to say here. I am not good at sharing my own big feelings. I am not writing or posting this for accolades or pity. I am not a victim or some kind of saint. I am a person who just tries to do their best with the cards they are dealt. I try my best to not let any of this affect my daily life that others see. The past couple of weeks that has become more and more difficult.<br />
<br />
To really give a true picture I have to rewind to the beginning of the summer....May actually.<br />
<br />
Will did not graduate from high school in May. He should have, but for many reasons it didn't happen. He went to court in late May and was put on probation. If you want to catch up on the details of that you can find those <a href="https://fosteringablessing.blogspot.com/2018/04/please-help-my-son.html">here.</a> He was given probation with the following terms: attend school, live at home, attend therapy, and follow all laws. He will be off probation when he graduates. The County Attorney wanted more than that, but the judge knows his trauma history and told him to pick himself up and stop being a victim. <br />
<br />
Will was enrolled in summer school. He got on the bus EVERY MORNING at 6:40am. He went to the school, ate breakfast and left. Sometimes he was picked up by a friend and sometimes by a fifty-something woman who he had charmed into thinking I was evil. That is yet another story for another day.<br />
<br />
So no graduation after summer school...which was possible.<br />
<br />
July...my high school reunion. Highs and lows there. Seeing so many old friends and reconnecting. Three people back in my life who I needed....all of them for different reasons, but all three of them the same. They are my life "plot twists". A year ago if you would have told me I would be talking to one of them every day I would have thought you were CRAZY and if you would have told me I would be road-tripping with another of them to see the third that would have seemed outside the realm of possibility to me. But here we are.<br />
<br />
Mid-July...Will couldn't even muster up the ability to show common courtesy to me. He wasn't doing anything he was supposed to and he would go missing for days. He wouldn't answer my texts or calls. I reported it to probation and we talked about it at therapy. Probation did nothing even though he was essentially following none of their rules. His therapist told him he could either start to show common courtesy to me or move out. He moved out that night. That basically made me an instant empty-nester with the exception of Charlie's friend who I hardly ever saw.<br />
<br />
August...I helped Will enroll in Accelere. It's the public school program where you can complete a single class in a three week period. There is no homework and if you go and participate you get the credit. Perfect. Will should graduate no later than September 24.<br />
<br />
I am the guardian for a boy who is developmentally disabled. He made a HORRIBLE life choice and had to leave the home of his caregivers IMMEDIATELY. So for two weeks I spent time working with the state on what was best for him and searching for a home for him. He is now placed, but I disagree with the state and think he needs more help than he is getting where he is. At this point I am considering rescinding the guardianship. I am not what he needs. I don't understand the system he is in. Don't for a minute think there is not a huge amount of guilt involved in that decision.<br />
<br />
There were some things that happened at work and a team leader position became open. In my time at the company I have gone back and forth over whether or not it was something I wanted to do. Honestly when I was approached about it I had so much on my plate at work that it wasn't even remotely on my radar. I was already preparing myself for trips to Cuba, Djibouti, and Japan for work yet this fall and here was this opportunity and I wanted to job. A little surprised myself at how much, but there was a lot of discussion and a wait.<br />
<br />
While I was waiting I found out that Will was living in a house that didn't have running water. Imagine knowing that your child would prefer no running water to living with you. I know that isn't necessarily the case....it's his RAD, but it doesn't make the message any less hurtful.<br />
<br />
I got the job. I am a team leader. It has been a challenge and amazing. I have made some BIG MISTAKES already and have had some difficult discussions because of it. It exhilarates me and makes me energized to go to work. Because of it and my projects that haven't gone away I am working A LOT of hours and I am tired...mostly a good tired.<br />
<br />
Will had been going to the accelerated school. He got a job at UPS and things really seemed to be looking up for him. Sure he wasn't living at home, but things were better. <br />
<br />
He stopped taking my calls and responding to texts a couple of weeks ago. He would call me at times he knew I was not available and then blame me because it was the ONLY TIME during the day he could contact me. More RAD tactics. He told me he had been kicked out of the accelerated school, but I knew that was not true. They had called and said he had been missing class and was in danger of being kicked out. Since then he has not gone.<br />
<br />
This week...lots of work stressors...lots of hours. Literally trying to keep my head above water. Wednesday probation called that Will was being court-ordered to return home no later than Friday. He was ENRAGED. He called with threats and accusations. This was ALL MY FAULT.<br />
<br />
Thursday and Friday at work were HARD. Could have broken me all by itself, but at the same time I was trying to coordinate Will's imminent return home. He arrived at 11:50pm on Friday. He met the intent. Honestly...I expected 11:59:59 so he exceeded my expectations. When everything is said and done it is good to have him home. There is still a lot to be talked about and worked out, but just having him here....well...it means a lot.<br />
<br />
Last night....because you can't make this stuff up....heres how it went. A couple of people in my neighborhood came over to tell me that when I am at work and out of town for work they were pretty certain drugs were being sold out of my home. What? Am I naïve? Am I an idiot? Was this really possible? I thought about all of the evidence that was presented to me and I think they are most likely correct.<br />
<br />
Brings me to this morning...I asked Charlie's friend to move out. I had no idea how it would go. Would he be outraged? Would we be safe? What would happen? There weren't options given and there wasn't discussion. He wasn't angry and he left peacefully. What could have been horrible was as cordial and uneventful as possible. I am thankful for all of the prayers being said for us during that time.<br />
<br />
Then I see this <a href="https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/edmond-ok/nathan-smith-7964860">obituary</a> and it breaks me. I sobbed. All of the emotion....good and bad of the last few months....flooding out. This could be either of my boys. By the grace of God it is not.<br />
<br />
So...if you made it this far in this post I appreciate the grace you have offered me when you didn't know what was going on. When I just told you I was tired or that I just couldn't do something...thanks for not pushing me. I don't expect or need special treatment. I don't need it any more than the next person.<br />
<br />
This life of mine....I wouldn't change a thing. I am living it because I was given this. Sure I could have made different choices, but I own every part of this. Thanks to all of you who are in my journey. Thanks for the love and grace you give to me unknowingly...every single day. You matter.<br />
<br />
<br />
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-66264966249665860182018-04-12T21:01:00.000-05:002018-04-12T21:01:06.039-05:00Change or Don't ChangeWill and I had a discussion today about how the choices aren't really change or don't change.<br />
<br />
It's really don't change or DO THE WORK to change. There is a big difference in those.<br />
<br />
We talked about when the last time Will did something he didn't want to do. It was to interact with me when I got home, but he said he "forced himself".<br />
<br />
We talked about examples of things he says and how his behavior doesn't match. How he says he wants to graduate, but doesn't do the work. How he wants to be a welder, but won't learn anything about OSHA safety.<br />
<br />
This concept is so foreign to him. In his reality you don't have to work for things. A supernatural power intercedes and things just happen. I am having a hard time convincing him that graduation is in my reality.<br />
<br />
I can't even describe some of our conversations and how frustrating they are.<br />
<br />
At this point we are striving to just get Will to be rote about doing the things that are required of him. So far it seems to be impossible.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-59000570403525648782018-04-12T20:52:00.001-05:002018-04-12T20:52:59.888-05:00Therapy DayWill has therapy on Wednesdays.<br />
<br />
I never know what is going to happen during therapy. Sometimes Will is open to talking about things. Sometimes he is in his own reality, but still has conversation with us. Those are hard days. Some days he just dissociates and we don't do much of anything.<br />
<br />
Today wasn't really any of those. Today we talked about "what we are doing in therapy". We talked about how Will wrote his therapist a letter in January stating how he wanted to change. His therapist told him how that made her really hopeful, because it seemed like there was still a window open for us to do therapeutic work. Today she asked Will to tell her if that window was still open, because it doesn't seem like it to us. He doesn't know.<br />
<br />
He asked if we could quit therapy until he decides if he even wants to change anymore.<br />
<br />
We talked about how every time we have taken a break from therapy there has been a major thinking error and then there is in some sort of crisis and they keep getting bigger and bigger. It's also likely that he will be court-ordered to continue therapy.<br />
<br />
We had another talk about how when he does his psychological exam he should NOT try to make him self seem like a bad ass or try to make himself seem crazy, because that would not be helpful.<br />
I'm not sure he understands that message.<br />
<br />
So...until next Wednesday.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-69688843101248325862018-04-12T20:45:00.001-05:002018-04-12T20:45:44.035-05:00Reading of the BlogSometimes I don't completely think things through. Maybe a little bit more often than sometimes.<br />
<br />
By linking my blog to my Facebook page it didn't occur to me both Charlie and Will are my friends on Facebook. <br />
<br />
Will read that post. He read about himself needed help and how I had cried in the probation waiting room. He is disconnected from emotion and, well, life so he didn't really think much about it. What he did do was read back through old posts.<br />
<br />
He told me they made him laugh, because he had forgotten so many things we have done and how much fun we have had. He told me he even screen shot a few of the posts so he could keep them.<br />
<br />
That warmed my heart. For Will that is about as close as I can get to an "I love you."<br />
<br />
I'll take it.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-5184802321248724442018-04-12T20:40:00.001-05:002018-04-12T20:40:11.224-05:00The Absurdity of It AllWill's portion of the probation interview lasted about 90 minutes. <br />
<br />
Mine lasted THREE AND A HALF HOURS. In the end I was asked to talk to the juvenile probation officers about being the parent of a child with mental health issues. This topic is so dear to my heart, but I don't feel like I have the educational background. I didn't read the books on this topic...I took the field trip.<br />
<br />
This is the third time I have been asked to do a discussion of this type for a group of people.<br />
<br />
I am not equipped to be the spokesperson for this topic. So not equipped.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-43680171433294000542018-04-12T20:32:00.003-05:002018-04-12T20:32:45.809-05:00Thank YouMonday's post was healing for me. I'm still learning to be transparent. That's one of the lessons God has had for me on this journey of motherhood. Prior to this I believed I was in control and I didn't need to seek help or prayer or really anything. I got it and things are going well were my common answers for everything.<br />
<br />
Increasingly over the last seven years (but seemingly a lifetime) the new me has learned more often than not I don't have it and things going "well" is relative. I can literally see God's hand in everything almost every day. Monday as I sat in the probation office with an overflow of emotion leaking out my eyes I knew I needed help. For the record the old me would have NEVER cried in the probation office waiting area or any public place for that matter.<br />
<br />
What I got was lifted up in prayer so much so that I can feel the peace still today. <br />
<br />
I can tell you this...while it is flattering to be called an inspiration and a hero...I am neither. I am a woman who was called to do something hard....REALLY HARD. I look back now and wonder "Why me?" So many things come to mind. I am still ill-equipped to be a parent. I had never had biological children and spent the majority of my life "less than interested" in them. I certainly didn't have any experience with kids from "hard places" and the thought of talking about mental illness in ANYONE scared me to death. I didn't have the kind of career where being a parent, let alone a single parent, seemed plausible.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for the people who reached out to me. Some of the private messages touched me to the core. For those of you who work with kids like Will...thank you for loving our kids. For those of you mamas who have kids like Will and thanked me for being honest, because now you don't feel so alone. You aren't. <br />
<br />
Thank you all so very much.<br />
<br />
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-83500772167136884992018-04-09T18:23:00.001-05:002018-04-09T18:23:48.510-05:00Please Help My SonToday was a rough day. <br />
<br />
Will is involved in the court system for a minor offense. It has ballooned into something out of control. In so many ways it mirrors our lives right now.<br />
<br />
I was sitting in the probation intake waiting room this morning while they interviewed Will after a particularly difficult weekend where he showed complete disregard for everything....especially me. I'm certain he is telling them I am awful and angry. Today I am awful and angry and done. So done with all of the never-ending BS. Trying to help someone who is certain I am the one with the problems and causing their behavior. Someone who to the world looks charming and kind and good. Praying that somewhere on this side of heaven there is help for this boy who I love desperately and knowing it is an absolute long shot. <br />
<br />
I'm watching this child slowly dig himself into a bigger and bigger hole and all I can do is watch. He is jumping off a cliff in slow motion and I don't know how to save him. If I mention a single word about any behavior he becomes enraged and blames the behavior on me. We're talking rage like most people do not experience in their lifetime. At least most people I know.<br />
<br />
Watching this same child have complete and total disregard for others. Most of all me. Wondering what the next step for him needs to be. Knowing I'm doing everything there is to do yet still feeling like an absolute failure.<br />
<br />
I spent the morning with him telling me how I never notice the good things he does. I pointed out a number of them from the weekend, because no matter what there is always good. He went on to tell me none of those are big things. I apologized for perhaps missing something big to praise him for and asked if there was something specific he thought I had missed. He mentioned something that happened almost a year ago and then said, "I stopped doing good things, because you wouldn't tell me I did good anyway. So it is your fault I haven't done anything good in a year."<br />
<br />
EVERY.SINGLE.THING. My fault.<br />
<br />
Reactive attachment disorder. You have made me my child's enemy. You don't care if I am trustworthy and hopeful and kind. You don't care that often times I am able to summons up supernatural unconditional love in someone who looks at me with disdain and disgust. He admitted to the probation office today that any question I ask him makes him have rage. Did you eat an apple after school can cause a retaliation completely disproportional.<br />
<br />
RAD....you make telling the truth impossible. You make me spend my days trying to figure out the small nugget of truth in an absurd story so I can figure out what is really going on.<br />
<br />
Probation's parting question to me....what would you deem a success through all of this?<br />
<br />
That my child gets help. That there is help. That this is not our "forever". That there be something, anything which will help manage his psychosis. There are no pills for being certain you are invisible while you sleep and that your junior year bus driver was blind. Those are just thinking errors which have to be navigated. That mental health in general isn't in the backseat any more.<br />
<br />
Most of all...please help my son. I love him.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-36740427159539527272018-03-26T18:59:00.000-05:002018-03-27T19:00:23.072-05:00FiredWhat on earth does someone do to get fired from McDonalds on their second day?<br />
<br />
For the last couple of weeks Will and Cody have been talking all about how Cody has this job at McDonalds. Cody has described what he has been doing there. Sunday night he even told me that he had to work at 6am on Monday and this morning he texted me at 11am to tell me he was home from work for the day.<br />
<br />
This evening I found out that Cody is not employed and hasn't been for a while.<br />
<br />
Why all of the acting? Why the deceit? <br />
<br />
I asked both boys why they had been telling me he had a job. "They don't want me to think he can't pay me rent." Clearly lying is better than causing me to have "financial worries".<br />
<br />
Some of the discussion about jobs was when I was discussing the need for honesty in our home.<br />
<br />
Oh the irony!!<br />
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-26824830939138193732018-03-26T18:51:00.000-05:002018-03-27T18:52:09.572-05:00Middle School and High School Friends - Thank YouToday was ridiculous. I felt like I was back in middle school. One of Will's friends, Cody, wants to move in with us, because he is estranged from his parents. He was recently expelled from high school and won't be graduating this spring even though he has the appropriate number of credits.<br />
<br />
You may be thinking "why on earth would you let one of Will's friends move in when Will is such a hot mess?" Will is beyond distraught that Cody is technically homeless. He is focusing all of his energies on Cody's issues and neglecting working on any of his own "stuff".<br />
<br />
Today with those two nearly pushed me over the edge. It would appear Cody has similar issues as Will's when it comes to truth telling. They were stuck in multiple lies together and then trying to get me to get in the middle and call another friend of theirs. <br />
<br />
According to Cody Will told him that Charlie and Aaron were going to beat the $&*# out of him when he returned to our home, because the two of them had been horribly disrespectful to me. It was true that they were disrespectful. This is the text Will sent Cody, "You have a talk waiting for you by my brother and Aaron for disrespecting Mom." I'm super confused where it says he was going to be beat up. He wanted me to call another friend, Santannah, to figure out what was going on.<br />
<br />
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have been out of middle school for a very long time. I am not going to do this ever again. Let alone every day.<br />
<br />
At one point I told the two of them that they were the most deceitful, manipulative people I had ever met. It is unreal.<br />
<br />
I NEVER had this much drama in all my years. For that...I thank my classmates and friends!!Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-8641976474706780232018-03-25T19:40:00.001-05:002018-03-25T19:40:16.317-05:00Break - Much NeededThis weekend I went to my parent's home for a visit and to help with reunion planning.<br />
<br />
It had been a long week. Friday started with a call from the sheriff's department at 3:45 looking for Will and one of his friends. They had been pulled over earlier and the car searched. Drug paraphernalia was found in the car. The officer wanted to talk to them again, but they were evading him.<br />
<br />
Of course Will took ZERO accountability for this. His favorite thing to say that everything is "supposedly". I couldn't decide if I should leave for the weekend. But I was so frustrated and angry.<br />
<br />
Will has been suspended all week for smoking pot at school. He had tasks he was supposed to do each day, but he is very defiant these days and didn't do any of them. Not a one. He swore he would get the tasks done while I was gone. WRONG....not one thing got done...NOT ONE.<br />
<br />
He stole money from me this weekend and was manipulative and deceitful. Thought disorder or sociopath? How do we know?Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-11647393791087974112018-03-25T19:33:00.001-05:002018-03-25T19:33:10.946-05:00The Journey ContinuesI can't believe I haven't written a single word in over 3 years. The letter in my last post almost seems like a lifetime ago. What I know now is this....writing this blog was therapeutic for me. It was a way to talk about the "stuff". I've missed it and how it helped me work through things. <br />
<br />
I'm going to give it a go again. So here's an update of what is going on with each of us:<br />
<br />
<strong>Denise</strong> - I am still the head of this crazy household. I continue to work full-time as a Commissioning Agent, but there is actually a commissioning department now. I still volunteer as a mentor for the UNO Architectural Engineering Department for the senior team design class. I am no longer a youth group leader at our church. Watching those six girls graduate was hard and it seemed too hard to cultivate more relationships. For MANY reasons that I don't have the energy to get into I gave up my foster care license. I may pursue it again one day or not. I spent a year as a member of Leadership Omaha Class 38. I met the most amazing people who are going to change Omaha. The trauma-informed school seems like a faraway dream. I am now a board member of a Nebraska Foster Care Review Board and a Foster Care Probation Review Board. I applied to be a member of the legislature-appointed Foster Care Advisory Board. I was a finalist, but ultimately not selected. In the past few months I started a group for moms of kids who were adopted from foster care at an older age or are fostering teenagers. These ladies are definitely my people. My 30th high school reunion is this summer and I am helping to do the planning.<br />
<br />
<strong>Charlie - </strong>In the end Charlie dropped out of high school. In the past year he has started back in an online program through Penn Foster. He is doing his electives in auto mechanic classes. It isn't his favorite thing, but he is committed to finishing up. He works full-time at Alohma, a vaping store. It is a large enough chain of stores that he has full benefits including a 401k. He's been working there about a year and a half. In January, Charlie moved into an apartment with his girlfriend, Bailey, and their miniature Australian shepherd, Rocky. They are doing well and I am so proud of Charlie. Within the last two years he has matured in ways I honestly wasn't sure he ever would. He continues to make music in his spare time. Most of his work is pretty dark, but quite good. He has a page for his music, but I don't know off the top of my head what it is. He is an INCREDIBLE writer of lyrics...so much talent and it isn't just a mom thing.<br />
<br />
<strong>Will</strong> - The past couple of years have been an increasing struggle with Will. He is a senior at Omaha Northwest. He is not going to graduate this spring. He is more than capable academically, but trauma gets in his way. He is no longer in ROTC, because he was missing too many credits to continue. He is in a legal mess that I will describe in another post. His decisions could be filed under "stupid decisions not to make". He is having some mental health issues and his psychosis is getting much stronger. His therapy team thinks there is still hope for him to live a productive life if he is willing to acknowledge his thinking errors. To this point he is not interested in doing the work and there is a fear that he is developing multiple parts of self. There are likely going to be some tough decisions to be made soon. He is a kind boy who got such an unfair shake in life.<br />
<br />
<strong>Tyler</strong> - Tyler continued to live with us for a total of four and a half years. He was such a blessing to us in so many ways. He moved into an apartment with his girlfriend, Jamye, in August. I miss him much. I miss having someone to laugh about the absurdities of life in our home with. We still see him at least once a month at our family dinners.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em></em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Spencer</strong> - He still continues to be in out-of-home care for reasons I can't even explain. His mom continues to be a dear friend. We recently met with the Director of Health and Human Services and the head of child services for the State of Nebraska to get intervention in his case. Spencer is doing so great all things considered.</o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>Cameron</strong> - Cameron and all of the other boys had some sort of falling out a couple of years ago and I haven't seen him since. He checks in with me every now and then and seems to be stable and doing well.</span><br />
<br />
<strong>Aaron</strong> - Aaron moved out for a couple of years, but he moved back in last spring when he was homeless. He is working on getting his life back on track, but there have been some bumps along the way.<br />
<br />
<strong>Sophie</strong> - Sophie is a six-year old toy dachshund. She continues to be a diva and spoiled rotten. She is slowing down both due to age and a torn ACL from a jump off of the couch that went wrong.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Silas</strong> - Si is a four-year old Westie mix. He is quirky and funny. He loves us and Sophie. He is the first to greet me every day when I come home and loves to cuddle. Si broke his leg a few months ago jumping off of the couch. He's back at full speed now....and naughty as ever.</o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Sam</strong> - Sam is a beautiful shepherd mix. He is calm and loving. He lives for attention. Sam had a cancer scare earlier this year, but he now has a clean bill of health. We have no idea how old this sweet boy is.</o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Josh</strong> - Charlie's friend who used to be here all the time. He lives in an apartment with his girlfriend, Cassie, and their son, Hunter.</o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Cody W</strong> - Charlie's friend who ran into some financial issues and moved in our home last fall. He works for UPS and is working hard to get his feet under him.</o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p><strong>Bailey and Jayme</strong> - The daughters I'll never have. I love to spend time with them and have girls outings. They make me laugh and I love them both dearly.</o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p></o:p></span></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></em></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></em></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><o:p></o:p></span></em></span> </div>
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Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-27405247517848521212015-01-08T15:41:00.001-06:002018-03-25T18:14:29.389-05:00The Letter I Didn't Share<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wrote a Christmas letter this year. I never got around to printing it and sending it. Part of me was too tired and part of me thought others would think I had lost my mind...maybe it was some of both.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So...here it is.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>Growing up I had a mental image of family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess you would say it was a traditional
image.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact that image carried into
my early adulthood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then God grabbed
hold of my heart and family became something very different and something very
wonderful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is us in 2014 and how we
are blessed beyond measure.<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></div>
<em><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><strong>Denise</strong><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – I am the head of
this crazy family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work full-time as a
Commissioning Agent/Mechanical Engineer at LEO A DALY in Omaha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I enjoy the work and they are so supportive
of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also volunteered at UNO in the
Architectural Engineering department as a Freshman Professional Mentor and as a
Mentor for the student competition project the master’s students are doing for
their professional society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This spring
I watched the six girls from my small group graduate from high school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved all four years of being their leader
and miss them like crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue to
be a foster parent for the State of Nebraska and regularly get calls for
placements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my “spare” time I am
working on my dream of opening a trauma-informed charter school in Omaha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pieces are starting to become more real
and I pray God will continue opening doors along the way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Charlie (Middle Boy)</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – He started the
year as a sophomore at Omaha Burke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
quickly became apparent public high school was not for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After trying independent school through OPS
we landed on online high school through the University of Nebraska.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I homeschool the math portion and anything
else that comes up, but he is able to do the remainder of the work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Charlie had a job as an assistant chef in an
Alzheimer’s care facility and also as a camp counselor at the YMCA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now he is not working in order to start
devoting more time to school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Charlie
has started loving all things country, camoflauge, and anything having to do
with big trucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His hobbies are working
on the Dodge Dakota he bought and making music.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Will</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> <strong>(Younger Boy)</strong> – Will is a
freshman at Omaha Northwest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
reportedly likes school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He found his
niche this year as part of JROTC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is
part of both the drill team and the color guard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loved doing courtesy patrol at all of the
home football games and proudly wears his uniform every Wednesday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will got braces this year and has grown over
6 inches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He sings in the honor choir at
school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves youth group, playing
with the dogs, and hanging out with Charlie and his friends.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Tyler (Boarder)</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – What started out
as a month long “thing” has turned into over two years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tyler is our live-in “manny”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has been such a blessing to our family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is there when I travel out of town making
it less stressful to travel for work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tyler recently quit college to join the management training program at
QT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves the boys and is like an
older brother to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is 25 years
old and did I mention he is such a blessing?<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Spencer, </span></b></em></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Aaron, and
Cameron</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – All of these boys lived in our home for a couple of months this past
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All for different reasons, but
they were part of the family just the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Donni (Older Boy)</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – I became the
legal guardian of Will’s biological older brother in September.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He continues to live with the Johnson’s as
his caregivers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will be 18 in January
and is a junior at North Bend High School.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He works part time at Goodwill and is on the school show choir and
bowling team.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Scott and Deb
</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – The caregivers for three of Will’s biological siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have adopted Hayleigh and following some
legal work in the spring I will become the legal guardian of the third sibling
in their home, Paul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paul is medically
fragile and there are a lot more details to work through than there were with
Donni.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all a huge extended
family.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Sophie</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> - Sophie is a
three-year old Dachshund.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We call her
the diva, because she will not go outside if it is too hot, too cold, raining,
or the grass touches her belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In all
other circumstances she needs you to be outside with her and she only eats the
light-colored pieces of dog food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Max</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – Max was a
sixteen-month old Boxer Lab mix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He died
of a brain tumor this summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss
that big guy every single day.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Si</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – Si is a 10-month
old Westie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is quirky and funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately he shreds and hides
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He can jump on the counter from
standing on the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All qualities
which are not becoming in a puppy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Si
loves us with everything he has and makes me smile every time I see him.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Sam</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – Sam joined the
family about a month after Max passed away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sam is the calm to Si’s crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
is a protector.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sam is beautiful and we
are anxiously awaiting the results of Sam’s DNA testing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now the best guess is that he is an
Australian Shepherd/Cattle Dog mix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
is gentle and loves to be adored.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">Josh </span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">– Charlie’s friend
who is at our house about 75% of the waking hours he is not at work or in
school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His dad has actually asked for a
child support bill.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;">My biological family</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"> – Everyone is
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all getting together between Christmas and New Years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As my parents wrote in their Christmas letter no one has changed jobs or
moved this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No new kids
either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a pretty good year.<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>That’s us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God has blessed me beyond measure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were able to have some great adventures
this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We went to Chicago over
spring break and met my sister and her family there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We attended many KSU home football
games.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think one of the highlights was
attending the Garth Brooks concert in Minneapolis this fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never seen “my fraternity” filled with
so much joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></em></span></span></span></div>
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-62235736932745492882014-03-24T12:07:00.000-05:002014-03-25T12:07:53.819-05:00Twisted AroundMiddle Boy is a MASTER at manipulating situations where he has done something wrong to twist it around to be my fault.<br />
<br />
We discussed his behavior of last night. He thought it was justified, because he was "helping a friend" and that is the right thing to do.<br />
<br />
I asked why he didn't AT A MINIMUM wake me to tell me he was leaving. "Because I was sleeping soundly and he knew I had been exhausted." Besides...he wasn't going to be gone long. What? You are SIXTEEN. It is the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. You MUST tell me where you are going.<br />
<br />
In his opinion it is completely ridiculous that I want to know where he is at all times. I am "over the top."<br />
<br />
Then we were discussing the girl. He kept insisting he told me what happened and the story wasn't going to change. Never that the story was true...just that it wasn't going to change.<br />
<br />
With him I have learned this means I am NOT getting the truth, but he will not budge.<br />
<br />
He was also pulled over because I didn't tell him his tail lights were out. Who cares that I didn't know they weren't out. I should have known. "I own the car."<br />
<br />
I told him I would take some vacation time to go with him to get them fixed. No...he'll fix them himself, besides "all I care about is the car anyway".<br />
<br />
SO FRUSTRATING.<br />
<br />
We ended on a neutral note. These days that is kind of the best I can hope for.<br />
<br />
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-4714987257830693682014-03-24T09:04:00.001-05:002014-03-24T09:04:40.410-05:00My Breaking PointSo many things have happened in the last two months I don't even know where to start.<br />
<br />
I have learned that writing is therapeutic for me. I need to do it more often. I typically don't let people know much of what is going on with us and in the past this was my outlet. I have gotten away from it and I need to get back there.<br />
<br />
I need God now more than ever. Don't get me wrong...I have always needed God, but these days I honestly don't know if I am going to make it day to day without him.<br />
<br />
I'm angry and I'm tired. I'm not even sure in which order any more.<br />
<br />
What I am going to say here isn't going to be pretty, but I promise you it will be transparent and real.<br />
<br />
I am literally at wits end with Younger Boy. About a month ago we stopped going to the Trauma Center for therapy, because after two years there is nothing they can do if he insists on not being an active participant in therapy. I would venture to guess at that time he was "in the present" 70% of the time. In the last month it has gotten a lot worse. I would guess something like 90% these days of being consistently in his own little world.<br />
<br />
I keep getting calls from the school, because they can't get through to him. Well...NEITHER CAN I!! I need them to stop calling. I think it is me being prideful, but I feel like a failure and it makes me ANGRY.<br />
<br />
I do have a meeting at the school tomorrow morning and Therapist C is going with me. She is going to explain to them...YET AGAIN...that I can do nothing. She is going to give them a behavioral modification plan for him for school and let them manage it.<br />
<br />
Here's where we are therapeutically...we are going to try neurofeedback to see what is actually going on in his brain. From the research I have done I suspect his brain is in the "under-aroused" category. The hope is that neurofeedback will help. If it doesn't then we are looking at a residential program. I have it narrowed down to two should the time come. I am cautiously optimistic about the neurofeedback, but the reality is that it only helps in about 50% of the cases.<br />
<br />
I don't have the provision to send him to a residential program. In my heart of hearts I know that is where he needs to be. Both programs I am looking at with the help of his therapists are distant and one to two years long.<br />
<br />
Saturday he called 911, because his brother wouldn't let him ride his bike when I wasn't home. He hung up and didn't talk so we had two uniformed officers at the house which totally freaked out Middle Boy.<br />
<br />
I know this...I can't continue living with him the way he is.<br />
<br />
Middle Boy is another story all together. Living with him is like being continually on a roller coaster.<br />
<br />
Since the first of the year he has dropped out of high school and gotten a job. He quit the job and got enrolled in indepedent studies through our school district. He SWORE to me he would do this. He would do everything they asked. Well he is supposed to do a packet day. We are on day seven and he is still working on the first packed. He is supposed to do two hours of homework a day at home. He isn't. He wants to enroll in a dual college/high school program which has mandatory attendance requirements and requires four hours of study per day. I won't agree to it if he can't manage the independent studies. Of course, that means I think he is just a failure.<br />
<br />
A week ago he ran away. He was picking a fight with me and it escalated...exponentially. I said some things I am not proud of at all, but I am human and when I am under attack for hours on end I snap. I don't have a back-up. I just have to take it...non-stop. He was planning to move out permanently, but he "changed his mind". It would be "too much for me" if he left.<br />
<br />
He is signed up to go on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. We had an informational meeting yesterday. He wants me to write the fund raising letter. I'm not going on the trip...he'll have to either write and send the letter or come up with the money himself.<br />
<br />
Last night after I fell asleep he snuck out of the house. I got a call from the State Patrol at 2:40AM telling me that they had him and were giving him a ticket for violating his provisional drivers license. They also told me he had a girl with him. So...I called him. He said he would be right home and would explain then. Apparently I don't understand "right home" because he walked in the door at 5AM! I am livid. He says it is all my fault he was pulled over because I didn't tell him his taillights weren't working properly. Allegedly he was taking a "friend" home from work, because she didn't have another way to get there. Shockingly his facebook messages would tell a different story.<br />
<br />
I'm at a loss.<br />
<br />
I contacted a state worker to see what I need to do to relinquish my rights. I am right there on the edge. Done.<br />
<br />
Pray for all of us.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-78489983372944170852014-01-09T11:05:00.000-06:002014-01-10T11:05:42.197-06:00PsychiatristYounger Boy had a med check today.<br />
<br />
For weeks he has been trying to scheme his way out of taking his sleeping meds. We talk about it at therapy. Is it immoral? Is it illegal? Does it make you feel sick? Does it do what it is intended to do? Is it unsafe? He just doesn't like to take them.<br />
<br />
He told Psychiatrist he doesn't like to take them, because they make him sleep. Her answer was simple, "Take the meds." No argument....nothing.<br />
<br />
She asked him about school. Mostly to find out how the ADHD med is working. The last time we were there we had just been to conferences when all of his teachers said he didn't use his time wisely. He told her he was on the honor roll for first quarter. She caught that and asked about second quarter. He admitted he hadn't done well, because he wasn't doing his work.<br />
<br />
She told him it is a shame that he isn't using his thinking ability. She explained to him that if you do not continue learning throughout life you will start to digress. She told him she thought eighth grade was awfully early to begin the digression. Then she said...the next time I see you I expect you to be on the honor roll, because you are a smart boy.<br />
<br />
Thank you, Dr. S. While I don't always love you as a doctor, I do appreciate you.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-78209750494422570472014-01-09T10:55:00.000-06:002014-01-10T11:05:56.065-06:00Putting It TogetherYounger Boy is fitting the pieces together.<br />
<br />
Tonight I had the MOST ADULT CONVERSATION with him I have ever had.<br />
<br />
He asked if his mom was going to be here for the funeral. I told him she is already here and that I had seen her. I told him she is sad about her dad and that she wanted him to know she loved him.<br />
<br />
He asked if I thought he was ready to see her. I asked what he thought. He doesn't know. He decided he wants to ask his therapist what she thinks. <br />
<br />
He was completely present and his most adult self during the whole conversation. I actually told him I was proud of him for being in the present. Reinforced that this is how he could be the majority of the time if he did his therapeutic work. I asked if he noticed the difference.<br />
<br />
He did. He was proud of himself.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-33254558461179849102014-01-09T10:50:00.000-06:002014-01-10T10:51:09.650-06:00Out of ControlIt started while I was at work.<br />
<br />
Middle Boy couldn't get his debit card to work. It escalated quickly. Very quickly. <br />
<br />
He was threatening. He was angry. He was mean. He was talking about how I didn't give a s*** about the abuse he endured and how I thought it was a joke. How I didn't know what he had gone through and I was a lying f***ing b****. <br />
<br />
It continued on for a couple of hours.<br />
<br />
Then...just as quickly as it started....it was over.<br />
<br />
Draining for sure. For both of us. <br />
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Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-67467792443300386232014-01-08T09:23:00.000-06:002014-01-10T09:23:41.693-06:00Telling ThemSo...here's how it started.<br />
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I first talked to Middle Boy about his sibling visit. He is cautiously excited. I reminded him his siblings are all adults. They aren't the kids he remembers from seven to nine years ago when he last saw most of them.<br />
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Then I talked to him a little bit about what is going on in Younger Boy's biological family. I told him first partially so that he would be more tolerant of the inevitable behaviors and partially because I knew Younger Boy would go to him and I wanted him to think about it. He had some interesting perspectives. His grandma died when he was in foster care and no one told him until weeks later. <br />
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So here's how it went...<br />
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First I told Younger Boy that Middle Boy's siblings would be at our house on Friday. Middle Boy is excited for them to meet him and that makes him happy that they are brothers.<br />
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Then I told him Older Sister was going to be in town for the next few weeks and he was going to get to see her. I told him about the therapy and that he needed to participate. How he had to do his part. He was visibly excited. <br />
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I then told him the reason she was in town was a sad one. I told him about Grandpa. He was stoic. Almost emotionless.<br />
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I asked how he was feeling and then the tears started falling. Middle Boy stepped in and said "it's okay to cry". That opened the flood gates. We talked about all of his memories of Grandpa.<br />
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He asked if he could see him. I asked him if he thought he was ready for that. He wanted to think about it. We talked about how maybe the good memories would be the way to go.<br />
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Prayers for our next few days. That they be days of healing and days of grace.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-34442099037376144112014-01-08T09:19:00.000-06:002014-01-10T09:19:46.070-06:00Coordination UpdateMom J called. They are going to tell the kids tonight about Older Sisters pending visit and Grandpa being removed from life support tomorrow. She wanted me to know so we could coordinate and manage the kids communication and they all knew the same things.<br />
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About an hour later she called back. It went like they pretty much expected it would with one exception. They first told the kids Older Sister was going to be in town and that they would get to see her. They explained it would happen at the therapists office in case there were big feelings. They explained we would also be working on the timeline. They were excited...except the timeline part.<br />
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Then they told them about Grandpa. They were very sad...sobbing. They talked through it. They told them we weren't going to see him, because it was better to remember the good memories than the scary hospital stuff. They understood and didn't question it.<br />
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A while after they had gone there separate ways Older Boy came back to them and told them he needed help with a big feeling. This is a HUGE step for any of them. He said he had been thinking and he can't stop thinking about how he wishes it was T who was dead. They weren't ready for that, but did the best they could through it.<br />
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Prayers for those little hearts.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-53042008040972770092014-01-08T09:05:00.000-06:002014-01-10T09:05:32.907-06:00On Another NoteToday I got a message from Middle Boy's older biological sister. All of the siblings are going to be in town on Friday and they would love to see Middle Boy if we can make it work out.<br />
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Oh my....I am a wreck. Can I even handle this and help both boys process simultaneously?<br />
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I called her and we chatted some about it.<br />
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There are four of them. We met the oldest sister about a year and a half ago. This is the younger sister and she lives in Texas with her husband. There are two brothers. The youngest of the siblings is nineteen with the exception of Middle Boy. They all grew up with their biological father who is not the same man as Middle Boy's father. Their life was more stable.<br />
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I decided we should do it. I know Middle Boy will be excited to see them, but there will be big feelings and behaviors. He recognizes them in Younger Boy, but does not see himself doing it. I pray they won't be there, but they will.<br />
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So...family reunion at our house on Friday night. Middle Boy's siblings on his mother's side.<br />
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Prayers for him and his feelings surrounding the visit.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-7513974904927845382014-01-08T08:57:00.000-06:002014-01-10T08:58:06.175-06:00What I DidWe are still working to figure out what the best thing to do is for the kids. How do we tell them? What choices do we give them? How will they handle it?<br />
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In the meantime I decided to meet Bio Mom, T. I called her and asked if she would be willing to meet.<br />
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We decided we would meet at the hospital over my lunch hour since that is where she is spending her time and it is right near my office.<br />
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Before the meeting I sent out a prayer request for grace and understanding. For wisdom.<br />
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We met. I actually met T, Bio Grandma, and went in the room to see Bio Grandpa.<br />
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I don't have the words to describe this meeting. I have always been angry at her for a laundry list of reasons. Not a level of rage, but angry. Disappointed in her, because she didn't protect the kids.<br />
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While I am still thinking about it and processing it I think mostly I left there feeling sorry for her. She kept talking about how she raised five kids. That makes me sad she thinks that. She didn't raise five kids. She birthed five kids. She kept telling me she couldn't believe that Older Boy just turned 16 last week. I didn't correct her, but he turned 17.<br />
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After going there Grandpa is not in any state that the kids should remember him in. If is pretty clear he should be remembered as they remember him in their memories.<br />
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Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-8713765787364789702014-01-07T08:44:00.000-06:002014-01-10T08:45:01.664-06:00Deep BreathToday I got a call I wasn't prepared for.<br />
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It was Younger Boy's biological mom, T. She is in town, because her father is dying. He is in the hospital on life support and they are waiting for family to get here to say good-bye and then they are going to remove his life support.<br />
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That means Older Sister is coming to town. <br />
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Here is the question...do we let Younger Boy go and say good-bye to his biological grandpa. He lived with them for a period of time after being removed from the home. The amount of time seems to be in question, but definitely a period of time. He talks about this grandpa.<br />
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Calls to his therapist. Calls to Mom and Dad J. We all want to do the right thing, but what exactly is that. It's complicated. Older Brother would need state approval to go. That would be on therapist recommendation. There are so many variables they don't know what to tell us to do. We did decide we are either all in or all out. Some can't go while others don't.<br />
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Silver lining...Older Sister is an adult. She'll be here for a few weeks. She is willing to do family therapy with the kids and hopefully fill in some gaps and make sense of some of the pieces since she was older.<br />
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Prayers for wisdom for all of us. Prayers for a decision that is the healthiest for everyone involved.<br />
Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-37570586650967187022014-01-07T08:38:00.000-06:002014-01-10T08:38:18.632-06:00Thinking BrainYounger Boy spends a lot of time "spaced out". A lot...like more than 90% of his time "not in the present".<br />
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Today at therapy we talked about it. Therapist C asked him some questions he should know the answer to. He doesn't even stop to think about the answers. He sits there. So...is he too lazy or can't be bothered with questions? Does he just want to think about "nothing"?<br />
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The therapeutic team think he has used this dissociation as a way to keep himself from having to think about painful memories and feelings.<br />
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We made a list of pros and cons to thinking and being in the present. I don't think he agrees that the present is where he should live.<br />
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Somehow we have to get him to engage. The therapists want to try a session with Older Brother and Younger Sister since they are both engaging in therapy. Maybe it will jolt his memories and maybe it will show him it is okay to share them and deal with them.<br />
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Prayers for wisdom in the best therapeutic avenue for him.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-13160292702378445132013-12-24T09:09:00.003-06:002013-12-24T09:09:49.299-06:00Holidays with TraumaWe have been quasi "stable" at our house for a little while. Sure we have our "over the top" moments, but by and large things have kind of become "normal".<br />
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Then came the holidays.<br />
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Holidays are complicated with trauma. There are traditions that the boys want to keep, but don't articulate...just get mad when we aren't doing them. There are things I like to do that "don't say holidays" to them. There is GRIEF over their biological families.<br />
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This manifests itself in a variety of ways. Sometimes anger. Sometimes reverting to the age of major trauma. Sometimes no sleep. Lots of defiance.<br />
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Right now Younger Boy and Middle Boy are going with reverting to the age of major trauma which in both cases is pre-school and NO SLEEP.<br />
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I am wiped out and not handling their not sleeping well. I have tried going to bed and just letting them stay up, but they have woken me FOUR times the last two nights. Plus their decision making seems to be similar to that of a toddler so letting them stay up is not logical.<br />
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We aren't celebrating with extended family until next week so I am praying things will settle down a little bit by then.<br />
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Prayers for a Merry Christmas to all of you.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4370422366125077923.post-57121624489981978272013-12-18T13:54:00.001-06:002013-12-18T13:54:31.764-06:00It's Not FunnyIn my opinion education isn't something to be taken lightly. Relationship with God and education...paramount.<br />
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Middle Boy doesn't agree about the education piece. It makes me angry. I feel like he is short sighted. No matter what I say he doesn't seem to get that what he is doing now is LITERALLY affecting the remainder of his life.<br />
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A term of his probation is to "work to his ability" in school. Pretty subjective, but I know what he is doing is NOT IT.<br />
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Seven classes and a study hall. Finals the next two days. Four classes which could go either way...pass or don't pass. One class that there is no need to bother with the final, because he has a 2% in the class. Yup...TWO PERCENT.<br />
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Why are the grades like this...APATHY. No work turned in. Tests turned in with NO ANSWERS written on them...COMPLETELY BLANK.<br />
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He is working with a tutor and he doesn't bring the right things home.<br />
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At this pace he WILL NOT graduate from high school and college is NOT an option. <br />
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He jokes about it and thinks it is funny. My offers of help to study are blown off.<br />
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I'm ANGRY.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08819487198786802863noreply@blogger.com0