One of the rules on the HOME program is that Middle Boy's ankle monitor will be covered at all times when he is in public.

He can wear shorts, but it has to be covered with a sock.

This morning he came downstairs to go to school with it uncovered.  He hasn't even been home TWELVE hours and he is testing the rules.

I refused to take him to school until he was either wearing pants or socks.  Don't care which one.

He kept "informing" me that it wasn't a "big deal".  Which kept making me angrier and angrier.

It is a big deal.  I realized my anger is being caused by the fact that I realize the seriousness of the consequences for breaking the rules and I want him to be at home.  For me it is fear-based and it is manifesting as anger.

I did my best to calmly explain to him that I will not debate the rules every day during this program.  He will follow them.  He signed a paper stating such and there will be no pushing the rules or bending the rules.  Following them to a tee.

I'm sure we will be having this discussion multiple times over the next few weeks, but now I know why it makes me so ANGRY.

Tonight when the HOME program brought Middle Boy home we had a family meeting.

Younger Boy wanted to talk to him first.  I was super proud of him.  He said, "Middle Boy, I have good and bad things to say to you.  First, I am glad you are home, because I missed you.  Second, what you did scared me and brought up bad memories from my past."

It humbled Middle Boy a lot to hear those words from his younger brother.

I asked Middle Boy if there was anything he wanted to say in return.  He told him he was very sorry and that he loved him.  Then they hugged.  No prompting from me.

I am thankful to God that these boys love each other.

Younger Boy went to bed after that.

I told Middle Boy that I was still processing my feelings about the whole thing and that when I was ready I would talk to him about it.  The one thing I was ready to talk about was that I love him and I am not giving up on him.

He talked about how he thought I would give up on him.  How he was certain that he was out of chances.

Nope...not with me and not with God.

Prayers he would start to understand that.

I was interviewed for the HOME program...also referred to as house arrest.

It is strict.  Crazy strict, but still better than him being incarcerated.

For the first four weeks he is only allowed to leave our home for school, therapy, and medical appointments.  He can't go outside of our house at all except to do yard work and then only for two hours at a time and I have to be in direct supervision.  I also have to call 30 minutes before he starts and when he is done.

His ankle monitor has to be covered at all times in public.

He can't have any visitors.  The rest of us can, but no one can be there specifically to see him.

If he has had good behavior for those four weeks then he can start going to one church service per week, but we have to provide written notice 48 hours in advance.

After eight weeks he can have one four-hour outing with the family, but we have to provide receipts from everywhere we went.  If we go out to eat the restaurant can't serve alcohol and the outing has to be between 9am and 9pm.

After twelve weeks he can have two four-hour outings per week, but also only with the family.

This will continue until his court hearing which hasn't been scheduled yet.

Prayers for cooperation and him to understand the importance of this.

After he got back to the juvenile center this afternoon Middle Boy called me, because he wanted me to know that he had been thinking.

He started off by saying he stayed up all night thinking about how he had screwed up and that he needed to fix it and himself.

He said he thought that his priorities had been screwed up.  He wanted me to know that this family was the most important thing to him, but he hadn't been acting like it.  He wanted me to know that is going to change.

He is also saying that he is going to take school more seriously.  He has said that multiple times before, but I didn't question it.

He is remorseful.  He says he wants to fix all of the damage he had done.  I told him fixing the things wasn't as important to me as it was for him to fix the relationships and work on his anger.  I also told him it is going to be harder than fixing the things.

He didn't realize that he could be coming home today.  I told him I wasn't sure, but that it would be soon.

I have to go to the juvenile center for an interview to determine whether or not I will be able to manage the rules in our home.

Praises for his thinking.  Prayers that his actions will match his words.

I came home to discuss with Younger Boy the fact Middle Boy would be coming home tonight or tomorrow.  I wasn't sure what his reaction was going to be.

Last night he was sad Middle Boy was gone, but scared because of the destruction and outburst.

I asked how it made him feel to know Middle Boy was coming home and he said happy.

I told him he needed to think about what he wanted to say to Middle Boy, because we were going to have a family meeting after Middle Boy gets home and that would be a safe opportunity to say what he needs to.

Prayers for Younger Boy and his fears which are mostly being caused by flashbacks as best I can tell.

Coach Z took a personal day from school to go to court with me.  I was glad to have her there.

We met Attorney in the lobby and she talked to me about the potential conflict of interest since I would be paying her and I am also the victim.  She thought it was an ethical question, but she was willing to represent him today.

When he came in the courtroom he was pretty stoic.  It was pretty obvious to me that he wanted to cry, but was really fighting it.

We talked.  I told him I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't know what they were going to do, but that it was probably not going to be good.

Judge J was fair.  He talked about the need for anger management and the need to have Middle Boy not be incarcerated, because that would delay his getting the help he needs. 

He appointed Attorney to the case as the public defender and that way there won't be a conflict of interest since I won't be paying her, but there will be continuity in the case.

He is being send home on house arrest.  It is strict, but still better than being incarcerated.

He is going to have to go to adjudication, but we don't know when that hearing is scheduled for.  He will be on house arrest until then.

Praises for Judge J who understands that incarceration isn't the answer.

Prayers for Younger Boy, because the events of last night scared him and flashed him back to his previous abuse and it isn't pretty.

Prayers for all of us in the upcoming weeks.  I am a mess emotionally.

This morning when I called the juvenile intake officer I was told that Middle Boy's case was being filed in adult court, because the amount of damage to our home was felony level.

I asked what it would take to move it to juvenile court, because he is only 15 and as his parent I was the victim of his crime.  I actually asked if they would drop the charges, but they could not.

I got a call back about an hour later saying the case would be moved to juvenile court.

This was important to me, because:

His record can still be sealed.
He won't have a felony on his record resulting in limitations of future career options.
I love him.

We will have court at 2:30PM this afternoon.

I have no idea if they will continue to hold him at the juvenile center until his next hearing or what they will do.