This morning Middle Boy woke up "sick".  With him I am never really sure.

He is DEATHLY afraid of vomiting at school and has an anxiety problem.  It doesn't make for some pretty mornings.

This morning he thought he was going to throw up.

I couldn't tell if he was really actually sick or if he was anxious.  Either way if you vomit at school you are headed home so I just kept him home with strict instructions to REST.

Prayers for healing and for peace that can only come from God!

Therapist L canceled therapy with Middle Boy tonight, because she thought he would still be at the youth center.

As a result we truly had no where to go and nothing to do tonight.

It was nice.  We rarely have these kinds of days and sometimes we all need them.  Maybe me more than the boys.

In a strange way I am looking forward to the house arrest in order to get a little bit more "at home" time for relaxation!!

Tonight was Younger Boy's baptism.

He was SO PROUD.

His testimony was beautiful.  He talked about his struggles in life and his continued struggles, but honestly I have NO DOUBT that this boy loves Jesus.

I will have to post his testimony, but first I need to get permission from him.

Praises for his outward communication of his faith!!

Tonight we had a birthday party for Boarder.

He went out to dinner with his girlfriend(?) and then they came back to our house for "cake".  He isn't a fan of cake so we had an ice cream cake.  Not a typical ice cream cake though.  I found a BIG frozen snickers ice cream bar that served eight.  Well....if the eight wasn't our family.

The boys had each purchased gifts for him and I bought him a case of Pepsi...which he drinks by the gallon.

It was a nice time.

Praises for Boarder coming into our life.  Happy 24th Birthday Friend!!

I have been thinking about getting Sophie a playmate.  Today I got an email from the humane society that they had seven puppies needing a home.  They were adorable so as a result...

Meet Max

This afternoon has been hard. 

Middle Boy has been texting me non-stop and he is having a rough day.  I get the emotion that is going on with him, but the things he is texting me are driving me crazy.

At one point this afternoon I was in the aisle at the grocery store crying, because I literally couldn't figure out what to buy for dinner.  Then all I could think about was how it wasn't just tonights dinner and the boys are such picky eaters and no one likes the same thing and I was a hot mess.

No other way to describe it.

Since Sunday evening I have had a friend (K) who has been "on my case" about figuring out who to talk to about what is going on in my home.  She has been pretty vigilant in "reminding" me that I don't need to be a superhero and I need to seek counsel and discuss my feelings.

This morning I called our church.  I feel comfortable with many of the pastors there and a couple of them have met with our family in the past.  I started there.  One of them was available this morning.

It should be noted that I HATE talking about my feelings.  About anything.  Facts...can talk about them all day long.  Feelings...not my strong suit.

So...I went to church and talked to Pastor T.

I explained to him the complexities of our situation.  How much I love both boys and how I want to make sure they both feel loved and safe in our home.  How I am angry at Middle Boy, because I am his victim and I am not sure he gets that.  How I am willing to do what I can to help Middle Boy while still having him understand that there are consequences to his actions. 

I explained my thoughts about house arrest and how it is going to be restrictive.  How I was mad that I will no longer be able to go to camp this year when it is one of the things I most look forward to and also fills me up spiritually.

He pointed out to me that one day I will need to explain to Middle Boy that my love for him is like the love Jesus has for us.  That while I am his victim in all of this I am still willing to "pay the price" of the attorney and take him back into my home...no matter what.

He encouraged me to find a group of women who will hold me accountable for taking care of myself as well as feed into me spiritually for the course of the summer, because the concern will be that I will give everything I have and have nothing feeding back into me.  He also encouraged me to share my feelings with them.

He asked what my "take-aways" were from our meeting.  I told him I needed to formalize a support system of women who will love me and feed into me while making sure I am caring for myself and not just the boys.  I also told him I needed to be willing to share my feelings about all of this.  Partially, because that is healthy and more importantly because I am asking the boys to share their feelings with me all the while not being willing to share my own.

Maybe, just maybe, through all of this I am supposed to learn I can share and lean into others and God.

Prayers for the courage to reach out to others.