So...I don't know when I last gave an update on my foster care license renewal, but here is all of the latest.

Early last week, with the help of my attorney, I wrote a letter requesting the appeal to the revocation of my license.

That same day I talked to three people on the board of Voices.  These people have been invaluable in this journey regarding my license.  One of these individuals also happens to be my boss.  He is becoming nearly as passionate about this as I am.

They suggested I call Thomas Pristow.  He is the Director of Children and Family Services for our state.  They gave me his direct number.  They said that I could call the Director of Health and Human Services but he would likely defer to Mr. Pristow.

I called him on Wednesday of last week and was told by his administrative assistant that either he or she would get back to me yet that day.  When I didn't hear back I called again on Thursday and this time was told "someone" would get back to me that day.  That evening, on my work phone, someone many levels down from the director called me.

I let my Voices team know what had happened.  Immediately all three said to contact the Child Welfare Inspector General.  It is her job to oversee that DHHS is doing things that benefit the welfare of children in our state.

On Friday I got an email from someone on the Voices team telling me that Mr. Pristow would be calling me in the next few business days, because he wants to know what is going on.  My voices team has asked me if I am okay with this going to press.  If it will change the system for the better...absolutely.

Ironically at the same time someone gave me a copy of an article in the paper about our state needing homes for 400 kids over the age of 6.  Available for adoption TODAY.  They also had the Presidential Proclamation attached it to.

So...here I am.  No idea if I am going to have my license renewed, but seem to be causing a stir in the system.

Here is what I have decided.  While my preference would be to have my license, because I want to have the adoption to adopt more kids.  I also want to be able to do respite.  The other thing is this...should the need ever arise to provide foster care for my grandchildren...I couldn't.  However, I am okay if I don't get the license renewed.  It would stink that it was revoked, but I can be an agent of change if that is the case.

God has opened SO MANY doors on this journey that I know He is with me each step of the way.  He is for the orphan and the widow.  There is no denying that.

Prayers as we continue going forward.

Tonight the boys settled down some.

They made me dinner for my birthday (a frozen pizza) and put candles on the cake I bought for myself.

It turned out to be a nice evening.

I was happy with the changes in behavior and the calmness that existed.  Even if it might be fleeting.

I am tense right now.

I have to be out of town for two days for work.  That in and of itself is a little bit stressful.

Having to find care for the boys (there are limited volunteers) and get them organized is additional stress. 

The big wild card though is the abandonment (or not) that they will feel by me being gone.  Maybe that is what is going on now, but usually the "price to be paid" happens once I return home.

It doesn't seem to matter how much preteaching occurs.  They still think I will not return.  If I call them every night...doesn't matter.  I still don't love them.

Pray for Babysitter J the next couple of days.  Pray she still wants to help us out after this.

Pray for smooth transitions to me being gone and then home.  Pray for no changes in travel.  That would be a DISASTER.

This morning I am sad.  I am really grieving my life before the boys moved in.  A life when I could reasonably expect the outcome of decisions and my own actions.

A life where every single thing isn't a battle.  Where there can be a day of just being.

I cried...for a long time I cried.  Sophie licked away my tears as I held her and cried.

This life I have been given by  God is hard.  Not a day goes by where something isn't just really hard or really emotional or really awful.

It is teaching me to keep my eyes on Him.  To really pay attention to the things that go well, because right now they seem so very rare.

Tomorrow I was planning to decorate for Christmas.  We were going to put up the tree.  I collect nativity sets so we were going to get out the 80+ nativity sets I own.

If tomorrow is anything like the last couple of days this is not a battle I want to fight tomorrow.

Prayers for a better day.

I asked the boys to wind down for the night.  My defintion of this is to start relaxing and maybe even sit down or get in bed.

The boys definition tonight was quite different.  It involved wrestling with Sophie and each other.  It involved drumming on furniture.  It involved running all around the house.

This is a trigger for me.  The nighttime antics.

Prayers for peaceful sleep.

Great Grandma had surgery today in Denver.  She had a rod inserted in her hip.

Grandma said she is doing pretty well.  She is pretty bruised up on her left side especially her knee and thumb.

Great Grandma is pretending this is old news and not acknowledging it happened.

Prayers for healing for Great Grandma.  Prayers for wisdom for Grandma and her brother in managing Great Grandma's care.