Middle Boy is a MASTER at manipulating situations where he has done something wrong to twist it around to be my fault.

We discussed his behavior of last night.  He thought it was justified, because he was "helping a friend" and that is the right thing to do.

I asked why he didn't AT A MINIMUM wake me to tell me he was leaving.  "Because I was sleeping soundly and he knew I had been exhausted."  Besides...he wasn't going to be gone long.  What?  You are SIXTEEN.  It is the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.  You MUST tell me where you are going.

In his opinion it is completely ridiculous that I want to know where he is at all times.  I am "over the top."

Then we were discussing the girl.  He kept insisting he told me what happened and the story wasn't going to change.  Never that the story was true...just that it wasn't going to change.

With him I have learned this means I am NOT getting the truth, but he will not budge.

He was also pulled over because I didn't tell him his tail lights were out.  Who cares that I didn't know they weren't out.  I should have known.  "I own the car."

I told him I would take some vacation time to go with him to get them fixed.  No...he'll fix them himself, besides "all I care about is the car anyway".

SO FRUSTRATING.

We ended on a neutral note.  These days that is kind of the best I can hope for.

So many things have happened in the last two months I don't even know where to start.

I have learned that writing is therapeutic for me.  I need to do it more often.  I typically don't let people know much of what is going on with us and in the past this was my outlet.  I have gotten away from it and I need to get back there.

I need God now more than ever.  Don't get me wrong...I have always needed God, but these days I honestly don't know if I am going to make it day to day without him.

I'm angry and I'm tired.  I'm not even sure in which order any more.

What I am going to say here isn't going to be pretty, but I promise you it will be transparent and real.

I am literally at wits end with Younger Boy.  About a month ago we stopped going to the Trauma Center for therapy, because after two years there is nothing they can do if he insists on not being an active participant in therapy.  I would venture to guess at that time he was "in the present" 70% of the time.  In the last month it has gotten a lot worse.  I would guess something like 90% these days of being consistently in his own little world.

I keep getting calls from the school, because they can't get through to him.  Well...NEITHER CAN I!!  I need them to stop calling.  I think it is me being prideful, but I feel like a failure and it makes me ANGRY.

I do have a meeting at the school tomorrow morning and Therapist C is going with me.  She is going to explain to them...YET AGAIN...that I can do nothing.  She is going to give them a behavioral modification plan for him for school and let them manage it.

Here's where we are therapeutically...we are going to try neurofeedback to see what is actually going on in his brain.  From the research I have done I suspect his brain is in the "under-aroused" category.  The hope is that neurofeedback will help.  If it doesn't then we are looking at a residential program.  I have it narrowed down to two should the time come.  I am cautiously optimistic about the neurofeedback, but the reality is that it only helps in about 50% of the cases.

I don't have the provision to send him to a residential program.  In my heart of hearts I know that is where he needs to be.  Both programs I am looking at with the help of his therapists are distant and one to two years long.

Saturday he called 911, because his brother wouldn't let him ride his bike when I wasn't home.  He hung up and didn't talk so we had two uniformed officers at the house which totally freaked out Middle Boy.

I know this...I can't continue living with him the way he is.

Middle Boy is another story all together.  Living with him is like being continually on a roller coaster.

Since the first of the year he has dropped out of high school and gotten a job.  He quit the job and got enrolled in indepedent studies through our school district.  He SWORE to me he would do this.  He would do everything they asked.   Well he is supposed to do a packet day.  We are on day seven and he is still working on the first packed.  He is supposed to do two hours of homework a day at home.  He isn't.  He wants to enroll in a dual college/high school program which has mandatory attendance requirements and requires four hours of study per day.  I won't agree to it if he can't manage the independent studies.  Of course, that means I think he is just a failure.

A week ago he ran away.  He was picking a fight with me and it escalated...exponentially.  I said some things I am not proud of at all, but I am human and when I am under attack for hours on end I snap.  I don't have a back-up.  I just have to take it...non-stop.  He was planning to move out permanently, but he "changed his mind".  It would be "too much for me" if he left.

He is signed up to go on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic.  We had an informational meeting yesterday.  He wants me to write the fund raising letter.  I'm not going on the trip...he'll have to either write and send the letter or come up with the money himself.

Last night after I fell asleep he snuck out of the house.  I got a call from the State Patrol at 2:40AM telling me that they had him and were giving him a ticket for violating his provisional drivers license.  They also told me he had a girl with him.  So...I called him.  He said he would be right home and would explain then.  Apparently I don't understand "right home" because he walked in the door at 5AM!  I am livid.  He says it is all my fault he was pulled over because I didn't tell him his taillights weren't working properly.  Allegedly he was taking a "friend" home from work, because she didn't have another way to get there.  Shockingly his facebook messages would tell a different story.

I'm at a loss.

I contacted a state worker to see what I need to do to relinquish my rights.  I am right there on the edge.  Done.

Pray for all of us.