Today was a rough day.
Will is involved in the court system for a minor offense. It has ballooned into something out of control. In so many ways it mirrors our lives right now.
I was sitting in the probation intake waiting room this morning while they interviewed Will after a particularly difficult weekend where he showed complete disregard for everything....especially me. I'm certain he is telling them I am awful and angry. Today I am awful and angry and done. So done with all of the never-ending BS. Trying to help someone who is certain I am the one with the problems and causing their behavior. Someone who to the world looks charming and kind and good. Praying that somewhere on this side of heaven there is help for this boy who I love desperately and knowing it is an absolute long shot.
I'm watching this child slowly dig himself into a bigger and bigger hole and all I can do is watch. He is jumping off a cliff in slow motion and I don't know how to save him. If I mention a single word about any behavior he becomes enraged and blames the behavior on me. We're talking rage like most people do not experience in their lifetime. At least most people I know.
Watching this same child have complete and total disregard for others. Most of all me. Wondering what the next step for him needs to be. Knowing I'm doing everything there is to do yet still feeling like an absolute failure.
I spent the morning with him telling me how I never notice the good things he does. I pointed out a number of them from the weekend, because no matter what there is always good. He went on to tell me none of those are big things. I apologized for perhaps missing something big to praise him for and asked if there was something specific he thought I had missed. He mentioned something that happened almost a year ago and then said, "I stopped doing good things, because you wouldn't tell me I did good anyway. So it is your fault I haven't done anything good in a year."
EVERY.SINGLE.THING. My fault.
Reactive attachment disorder. You have made me my child's enemy. You don't care if I am trustworthy and hopeful and kind. You don't care that often times I am able to summons up supernatural unconditional love in someone who looks at me with disdain and disgust. He admitted to the probation office today that any question I ask him makes him have rage. Did you eat an apple after school can cause a retaliation completely disproportional.
RAD....you make telling the truth impossible. You make me spend my days trying to figure out the small nugget of truth in an absurd story so I can figure out what is really going on.
Probation's parting question to me....what would you deem a success through all of this?
That my child gets help. That there is help. That this is not our "forever". That there be something, anything which will help manage his psychosis. There are no pills for being certain you are invisible while you sleep and that your junior year bus driver was blind. Those are just thinking errors which have to be navigated. That mental health in general isn't in the backseat any more.
Most of all...please help my son. I love him.
Will is involved in the court system for a minor offense. It has ballooned into something out of control. In so many ways it mirrors our lives right now.
I was sitting in the probation intake waiting room this morning while they interviewed Will after a particularly difficult weekend where he showed complete disregard for everything....especially me. I'm certain he is telling them I am awful and angry. Today I am awful and angry and done. So done with all of the never-ending BS. Trying to help someone who is certain I am the one with the problems and causing their behavior. Someone who to the world looks charming and kind and good. Praying that somewhere on this side of heaven there is help for this boy who I love desperately and knowing it is an absolute long shot.
I'm watching this child slowly dig himself into a bigger and bigger hole and all I can do is watch. He is jumping off a cliff in slow motion and I don't know how to save him. If I mention a single word about any behavior he becomes enraged and blames the behavior on me. We're talking rage like most people do not experience in their lifetime. At least most people I know.
Watching this same child have complete and total disregard for others. Most of all me. Wondering what the next step for him needs to be. Knowing I'm doing everything there is to do yet still feeling like an absolute failure.
I spent the morning with him telling me how I never notice the good things he does. I pointed out a number of them from the weekend, because no matter what there is always good. He went on to tell me none of those are big things. I apologized for perhaps missing something big to praise him for and asked if there was something specific he thought I had missed. He mentioned something that happened almost a year ago and then said, "I stopped doing good things, because you wouldn't tell me I did good anyway. So it is your fault I haven't done anything good in a year."
EVERY.SINGLE.THING. My fault.
Reactive attachment disorder. You have made me my child's enemy. You don't care if I am trustworthy and hopeful and kind. You don't care that often times I am able to summons up supernatural unconditional love in someone who looks at me with disdain and disgust. He admitted to the probation office today that any question I ask him makes him have rage. Did you eat an apple after school can cause a retaliation completely disproportional.
RAD....you make telling the truth impossible. You make me spend my days trying to figure out the small nugget of truth in an absurd story so I can figure out what is really going on.
Probation's parting question to me....what would you deem a success through all of this?
That my child gets help. That there is help. That this is not our "forever". That there be something, anything which will help manage his psychosis. There are no pills for being certain you are invisible while you sleep and that your junior year bus driver was blind. Those are just thinking errors which have to be navigated. That mental health in general isn't in the backseat any more.
Most of all...please help my son. I love him.
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Oh, I totally get your post. With our four "chosen" children, I am so often the "bad" parent and so often the problem, as well. I am soooo very thankful, before they moved in, my husband said these words "We may never get a thank you from them, but that is not why we are doing this. We are doing this, because we believe this is what God wants us to do." I am also grateful I prayed for an unconditional love for my children, like Christ has for me. We experience, with these often difficult children, a tiny glimpse of what God experiences with humanity. I love my four children, unconditionally, and that is what has gotten me through so many difficult times, especially the rejection comments. I can't imagine someone else being in care of MY children. They are my children, even if I didn't give birth to them. I have often looked at them and said "I am doing what I'm doing, because I love you too much, and I want you to turn out well." I also say "Sadly, I have come to realize, I want you to turn out to be a person of good character, more than you do." I keep telling them, even when not reciprocated, that I love them. I love them. I love them. Over and over and over, again. Being there, in spite of their actions and attitudes, proves to them, eventually, that they are loved. Hang in there, Denise, we will look back ten years from now, knowing in our imperfect state, we tried to do the best job we could. Doesn't every parent that truly loves their child? :) If you claim to always have your act together, you are leading a delusional life. I remember a quote that means so much to me, since life is not always easy: "This may have come as quite a shock to you, but it was no surprise to God." Take care. God bless! Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.