Why haven't I been posting lately?  Life is hard.  Really hard.

It is so hard I really don't want to talk about it.

On the days when it is just so hard I don't even want to do this anymore the last thing I want to do is admit that in a post.  Admit defeat.

That's how I feel...defeated.

Everyday there is something that happens that deflates me even more and I just continue down a slippery slope into hating all of this.

Younger Boy's struggles were really just the tip of the iceberg.  He continues to make less than acceptable choices.  Admittedly he is confessing to the poor choices more quickly if that can be considered progress.

Last week it was stealing a dropper bottle from his science teacher.  He first swore she gave it to him and then he swore she knew he had it because she was in the room when he stole it and then he finally admitted to the theft.  He has since returned it and apologized.

His therapist got on his case last week and told him if he doesn't make the choice to do the therapy homework we are just going to stop wasting everyone's time and money.  She told him Older Boy had surpassed him in therapy and that really struck a nerve.  Maybe the motivation he needs.

Middle Boy is a mess.  I have FINALLY figured out his operating procedure.  If something happens and he is angry at himself there is HELL TO PAY for everyone in our home.  Today is one of those days.  He is angry at himself for getting really far behind in school so Boarder and I are being bombarded with blame and accusations.  It is exhausting.  I don't want to do it anymore.

He is VERY HURTFUL to me.  Today he wants me to just f***ing die, because all I have done is ruin every bit of his life for the last two years.  Not one thing good has come from him knowing me.  Not one. 

Apparently I should also be fired from my job, because I am stupid and don't know how to manage anything in life.  I certainly shouldn't be a parent and have a job, because I am not handling either one of them.  His words...not mine.

He is just "waiting for the day" when he can leave this house and never look back.  Don't expect him to contact me once he walks out the door, beccause he won't.  Doesn't care.

He is not doing his community service hours and he doesn't have a job.  We are one quarter into school and he honestly has a class where he hasn't done a SINGLE  thing this year.  No in class assignment.  Nothing.  On the two tests he wrote IDK for every single answer. 

He is apathetic.  He is unmotivated and on the verge of being behind to graduate with his class if at all.

He doesn't get it though.  He will "pull it together".  He "still has time".

I have got to start blogging again.  It makes me feel better and some day maybe I will want to remember these things.  Right now I just pray I can let them go.
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