Older Boy had a tough time at daycare today.  He was being unsafe when they were on the playground.  He was told to quit once and redirected twice.  As a result he received a timeout. 

It took Daycare A thirty-five minutes to get him into timeout.  The entire time he was calling her profane names and kicking the fence outdoors.  When she thought she had him calmed down and headed to timeout he tried to climb the fence and run away.

My typical routine is to ask him how his day was when I picked him up.  He said "Good."  Daycare A told him she needed to talk to me and he immediately started sulking and kicking the bookshelf.  I'm pretty sure he knew he was in trouble.

She told me the story and said they are finally starting to get the behaviors I get all the time at home.  They weren't sure they ever would.

On the drive home I asked Older Boy about appropriate language and behavior.  I asked when it was okay to say the "f" word.  He said never.  I asked why it happens then.  He tells me it "slips out".  I explained that he is going to have to start taking a breath before talking or yelling or it he is going to get in even more trouble.  He told me it is always going to happen.  I think that is what makes me the most frustrated with him.  I explained that by saying that he is choosing not to change his behavior.

When we got home he wanted to watch a movie.  Nope...you had a bad day at daycare and you get a consequence at home for that.  It isn't only theirs to deal with.  Same goes with school.

Prayers he would start to understand this.  I am tired of fighting this battle every day.  Pray for strength and wisdom for me.

Today I plead my case to the school district regarding the school for Middle Boy.  Older Boy and Middle Boy are in the same grade.  Older Boy's school is "closed" for new enrollment.  I really don't want three kids in three schools when two of them are middle schoolers. 

I really want transportation for Middle Boy. 

I finally found someone at the school district who is sympathetic to what is going on.  She is going to research bus routes for me and tell me what my best options are.  She also said she would pull some strings, because it seemed crazy to her, too.

Praises for understanding.  Middle Boy is ready to move.  We haven't notified HHS yet with the two week window, because school isn't squared away and there is no guarantee we can wrap it up in a two week window.

Younger Boy had a med check today.  We are going to change things up.  He isn't able to focus during school or at home to do his homework.  He doesn't fall asleep for at least two hours after he is in bed and isn't getting nearly enough sleep.  He seems to have allergies.

Starting tomorrow everything changes.

It is so frustrating not having a medical history so I have no idea if we are trying things that have been tried in the past or if we are trying something new.  The doctor is sympathetic to it, but we could be headed down an already tried path to no avail.

Prayers for meds that work.  I wish there were no meds, but until a time when we don't need them pray they work.

I talked to Older Boy's urologist today.  He is struggling with bedwetting again.  Not sure if it is PTSD or kidney function or what.  When I called she told me to measure how much urine output he has each day.  Really?  How exactly does she propose we do that?  He is in school, at daycare, at football, and at home.  He will not be cooperative in this process.  I don't even think I can get him to tell me each time he goes and I know he can't track it at school himself. 

I'm a little frustrated with this.  She said she needs to know if his bladder is too small.  Really?  This is the best way to find out?

Prayers we can do this.  It sounds like the only way we can get help with the bedwetting.

Middle Boy asked me tonight if I felt like we have a connection between the two of us. 

I told him I had a story for him and that I hope it didn't freak him out, but yes...I do feel like we have a connection.

Here's the story.

I "met" Middle Boy a few years ago when he was on the heart gallery.  I was drawn to him for a reason I can't explain.  I prayed for him every day for a long time.  Well over six months and asked God to watch over him, heal him, and keep him safe. 

I went back to the heart gallery a while later and his picture was gone.  Usually this means they have been placed and are out of the system or something else has happened and they don't need a home.

Every now and then he crossed my mind and I would say a quick prayer for him.

This summer at the teenage boys camp Middle Boy got off the bus.  I literally gasped.  He was "that kid".  I told Coach Z and Babysitter N and Friend T.  I had to meet him and find out how he was doing.

He came to activity centers where I was working and I just wanted to talk to him.  Wanted to see how he was...if he was happy.  We sat and made crafts together for three days.

I found out over the course of camp that he was in a pre-adoptive home and his adoption was going to be final in November.  I was kind of sad, but also happy that he was going to have a forever family.

I asked Middle Boy if he remembered any of that.  He said that he remembered me tellling him at the end of camp when we were saying good-bye that maybe we would see each other again someday.  That is exactly what I said...through teary eyes.

Two weeks later I got a call from Friend T who works at his agency.  He wasn't going to be adopted in November.  He was going to be moving.  Did I want him to live with me? 

OF COURSE...I was on pins and needles waiting for his caseworker to call.  What if he didn't want to live with me?  What if they thought I wasn't a good home for him?  What if he didn't get along with the other two who I was planning to be my forever family?

I asked Middle Boy what he thought.  He said he feels that connection to.  He doesn't know what.  He just does.

Here is what I think about all these boys....

I wish I would have known you sooner, so I could have loved you longer.

Praises for these boys...each of them.

After game night the boys and I sat and talked about life.   We talked about what they want to do when they get older and what they hope their lives are like.

All of them talked about how they never wanted to be like their parents and how they hoped the could have good families one day. 

Older and Younger Boy got in an argument and Middle Boy stepped in and told them how lucky they are to be biological brothers and they need to learn to respect each other.  He said he has noticed that they seem to be angry and that they can't both wait for the other person to be respectful.  It has to start with each of them.  I wanted to cry, because it was so sweet.

Older Boy went to bed, because he was very tired. 

I continued talking to the other two boys.  We talked more about life.  Younger Boy really thinks I should get married.  He thinks I will be sad if I don't.  I told the boys that while it would be nice to share my life with someone that right now my heart is very full of love for them.

We talked about being a forever family.  We had never really discussed this before.  They asked what I thought.  Did I want to adopt them?  I can't imagine being a kid and even having to muster up the courage to ask that question and wonder what the answer was going to be.  These two have had so much hurt and rejection in their lives. 

I haven't really talked about it with anyone except God until this past week.  I didn't know what God's intent was for me and these boys.  I can say it is complicated.  I can say that I want what is absolutely the best for each and every one of these three boys.  I can say it looks different in all three cases.

You can't explain that to a kid though.  All they really want is a simple yes or no. 

In some capacity each of these kiddos is going to be my forever family...whether it is guardianship or adoption. 

It's just complicated.

Prayers for sweet family talks and open hearts.  Praises for family.

Tonight we had my friend K and her three kids over for game night.  I love that family!!

The boys and I were working on what it means to be good hosts and how to plan a party. 

Middle Boy and Younger Boy did a lot of the cooking for the party.  We made nacho dip, a cheesball, and neopolitan rice krispie treats.

We played games and laughed A LOT.

Praises for good friends and good times.