Tonight after the boys were in youth group I was still in the hall.  I went into the room.  They were having worship time and it was dark.  Someone asked me how I was doing and I lost it.

I cried.  This day has been so hard.  These boys are so hard.  I am so tired.

I spent the entire day thinking the boy I have come to love as my own wanted to kill himself and I didn't know why.  He is hurting so much and I feel like I can't help him.

My other son is sleeping in his room fully clothed, with his glasses and the lights on in case someone comes into his room and he has to hurry up and hide.

I RARELY cry about this life God has chosen for me.  Tonight though...I cried....and cried.

I am so thankful to the people who asked me how we are doing and for their prayers.  Their hugs and encouragement is a blessing they will never understand the impact of.

Pray for peace for me.  Pray for rest.

Middle Boy asked a girl to homecoming.  He doesn't get how homecoming works.

Over the last few days I have been asking him a lot of questions...all of which he doesn't know the answer to.  Homecoming here is semi-formal.

Honestly I don't want his date to be disappointed, because he is choosing not to listen since I lived "back in the day".

I asked for the girl's phone number so I could text her and get the answers.  Her mom had already asked for my phone number, because we need to coordinate rides.

He reluctantly gave me the number.

She and I texted back and forth.  I found out the color of her dress.  She sent me a picture, but made me promise not to show him.  I told her I thought it looked beautiful.

She thanked me for texting her and said it was good to get to "talk" to me.

Middle Boy is convinced I am trying to become friends with her.  I teasingly told him since he told me this relationship was going to last FOREVER that I felt I needed to befriend my future daughter-in-law and that we were working on planning the wedding and that I had asked for 18 grandkids.

He was MORTIFIED, but also laughed.  Not sure if he thinks I am joking or not.

It was nice to know she seems like a nice girl.  I am looking forward to meeting her in person.

When we got home Middle Boy flopped himself on the floor of any room I went to. 

Moved to the kitchen...flopped himself on the floor. 

Moved to the living room...flopped himself on the floor.

He continued to make snide comments about how unfair I am to turn off the service to his phone when all of this is "on me".

Finally I had it.  I told him that if I heard one more word about the phone or something disrespectful to me he was losing his phone permanently.

That is when he snapped...finally snapped.  He said "how would you feel if you found out from three of your teachers that your biological cousin committed suicide over the weekend?"

FINALLY...the reason.  He ran to his room.  I followed him.  He cried.  Cried like I have never seen him cry.  I sat on his bed next to him and cried with him.  I asked about his cousin.  This young man was the only one in his biological family that Middle Boy thought would "be somebody someday".  He was the one who used to take care of Middle Boy when his mom was too strung out on meth to care for him.  In some ways he was a brother, in some ways a dad.

He hurts.  All of those posts last night weren't about him...they were about his cousin. 

I asked him if he wanted to go to the funeral.  He was quick to say that it would make him feel too guilty, because he skipped his grandma's funeral and he isn't a "good funeral person".  I explained that NO ONE is a good funeral person and if there is any question in his mind he should go.  I would go with him.  I told him that you never get a second chance to pay your last respects.  He is still pretty adamant about not going.  I told him we would go to the cemetary where he is buried to pray.  He thought that was a good idea.

My heart breaks for Middle Boy.  I wish he felt like he could talk to me about this stuff.  He told me flat out tonight he doesn't know if he will ever be able to.  What I think he doesn't realize is that he does.  It just takes a lot of effort from me.

Pray for Middle Boy's biological family.  Pray they find peace.

We went to Younger Boy's game. 

It was cold and windy.  Probably not as cold as the relationship with Middle Boy as he sat next to me texting barbs about how I was a horrible parent.

He probably looked into the stands to see if I was there at least twenty times.  Here's his picture.


They won the game 28 - 0.  He played the entire third and fourth quarter.  He got two solo tackles and was in on a couple more.  He was SO EXCITED after the game.

He loves football.  It is clear he has a couple of friends on the team.  That makes me heart smile.

I love that every time he looked for me in the stands he gave me the thumbs up.  It happened every time he came off the field.

I'm proud of him.  I love him.

Younger Boy had a football game today so I picked up Middle Boy at school.

For the next twenty minutes I got his wrath.  I am an unfit parent.  What was I thinking asking him such a question in front of his friends?  I am completely rude and disrespectful.  I don't f-ing understand him.  I have a family.  This is all "on me".  I am stupid and don't care about anything except for myself.  There has never been a time when I loved him.  Maybe when we get to court he'll just say he doesn't want to be adopted by me.  How will that feel?  I don't respect him and I deserve being treated like this.  It is his RIGHT because I disrespected him first.  His whole life is just bullcrap.  If his team gets involved he is going to look at each of them individually and tell them to f*** off.  That's what they deserve anyway.  He's done using his "new life" as the reason he keeps himself from getting in trouble, because his "new life" sucks just as much as all of the old ones added together.  I am a liar and all of the sneaking around I do with his team is deceitful.  Why don't I try telling him the truth once in a while?  He isn't going to respect me until I can respect him and I can just wait and talk to him when I have thought about my actions and my words.

There are times when I have the ability to sit there and not say a word and there are times when I fight back, because I am under attack.  I'm not going to lie.  It sucks to be talked to this way....every day.

I KNOW that it isn't me he is mad it.  It isn't, but today...this hurt.

Pray I can get through to him and figure out what is going on.  Pray I can give his words toward me over to God.  I need to.

Today after school when Middle Boy called me I asked "what's going on?"

He asked what I was talking about and I said "I don't understand your facebook posts."

The floodgates opened.  He can't believe I would try to talk to him about this when there are "people" around him.

So, he hung up on me.  This has happened before and he knows the consequence.  I shut off his access to his phone....IMMEDIATELY.

Prayers for our evening.  It isn't going to be pretty!

All last week I was looking forward to just having a "normal" week this week.  We are done moving.  Well, our stuff is at our new house anyway.  I thought we could just spend the week unpacking and going to work and school and our other routine things.  THWARTED.

We had all week this week to lay low...relax.

Next week is another big week.  It is adoption week.  The boys have been told of the dates, but if you asked them they couldn't tell you when they are.

I'm saddened by the turn of events.  I'm tired.  I don't understand what is going on.  I don't know how to get through to Middle Boy right now.  He is ANGRY all the time.

Prayers for all of us...prayers for the adoption.