Since Sunday evening I have had a friend (K) who has been "on my case" about figuring out who to talk to about what is going on in my home.  She has been pretty vigilant in "reminding" me that I don't need to be a superhero and I need to seek counsel and discuss my feelings.

This morning I called our church.  I feel comfortable with many of the pastors there and a couple of them have met with our family in the past.  I started there.  One of them was available this morning.

It should be noted that I HATE talking about my feelings.  About anything.  Facts...can talk about them all day long.  Feelings...not my strong suit.

So...I went to church and talked to Pastor T.

I explained to him the complexities of our situation.  How much I love both boys and how I want to make sure they both feel loved and safe in our home.  How I am angry at Middle Boy, because I am his victim and I am not sure he gets that.  How I am willing to do what I can to help Middle Boy while still having him understand that there are consequences to his actions. 

I explained my thoughts about house arrest and how it is going to be restrictive.  How I was mad that I will no longer be able to go to camp this year when it is one of the things I most look forward to and also fills me up spiritually.

He pointed out to me that one day I will need to explain to Middle Boy that my love for him is like the love Jesus has for us.  That while I am his victim in all of this I am still willing to "pay the price" of the attorney and take him back into my home...no matter what.

He encouraged me to find a group of women who will hold me accountable for taking care of myself as well as feed into me spiritually for the course of the summer, because the concern will be that I will give everything I have and have nothing feeding back into me.  He also encouraged me to share my feelings with them.

He asked what my "take-aways" were from our meeting.  I told him I needed to formalize a support system of women who will love me and feed into me while making sure I am caring for myself and not just the boys.  I also told him I needed to be willing to share my feelings about all of this.  Partially, because that is healthy and more importantly because I am asking the boys to share their feelings with me all the while not being willing to share my own.

Maybe, just maybe, through all of this I am supposed to learn I can share and lean into others and God.

Prayers for the courage to reach out to others.