Tonight I paused to reflect on this journey I have been on for the past year. Some of the reflection was caused by a question I answered on the returning staff application for camp..."Please share with us an area of spiritual growth or something God has been teaching you during the last year."
By no means is this list all-inclusive...but some things that come to mind.
1. A Parent's Love for a Child. I did not give birth to these boys, but I love them. I will fight for them, protect them, and love them. Everyone always says it is something you can't explain. I agree. It also gives me an understanding of God's love for us. Wow...He gave HIS SON for us. While I have a greater glimpse how much HE loves us...it still blows me away.
2. Unconditional Love. In many ways this goes hand in hand with a parent's love for a child. I can't think of how many times this year I have said to one of the boys "When you do something that disappoints me it doesn't make me love you less and when you do something I really like it doesn't make me love you more." I love them unconditionally. Sure I have been disappointed and I have been proud, but my love for these boys hasn't changed. They have broken my heart and they have made my heart very full. Again...an example of how God feels about us.
3. I am not in control. I really truly thought there were some things that were within my control before this past year. Now I know that my actions may have an influence on outcomes, but ultimately I am nowhere near in control. Thankfully God is in control and He knows the big picture. Me...with my limited perspective...would have made a HUGE mess of very many things this year.
4. I need help. All kinds of help. I can not do this alone. I do not have the strength, wisdom, or actually enough of anything to do this alone. It is because of God that I can do this. He chooses the people he places in my life for this journey to help me along the way and He and His plan are the help that I need.
5. God provides what we need when we need it. I have so many examples of this over the past year. He has provided people, services, and even a shoulder to cry on all when I needed them the most. There have absolutely been times this year when I disagreed with God's timing, but ultimately He knows the best timing and I have seen that over and over again.
6. Sometimes God's plan doesn't make sense...in an earthly way. Again...so many lessons were learned in areas where things just didn't make sense to me. Why did Middle Boy have to go to the juvenile center? Why wasn't Older Boy able to get the help he needed when he lived at my home? Why does Younger Boy struggle with so many things? Why when things seem to be going well does there always seem to be yet another thing? Some things I will never understand this side of heaven, I just have to trust that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.
7. All people are broken. I truly believed before that there were some people out there who had everything together. What I have come to realize is that those people...all people...are broken and need a savior.
8. Trusting God provides peace. I think back at my life over the years and how much energy I spent worrying...about everything. Throughout this year I have truly seen how learning to trust God has changed my perspective on this. Old me would have been even more of a mess during some of the things that went on in my home and with my boys this year. Growing me really believed that everything would work out...in some way. Maybe not the way I wanted, but in the way God intended. That gave me peace.
9. I have a lot of ugliness inside my heart. This is one of the newer lessons I am learning. This is one of the harder lessons I am learning. I need to ask God to help heal this ugliness and help me to react less and love more.
10. I want to be a better follower of HIM and teach my kids to follow HIM. If I don't teach these boys anything else in life I want them to know...really know...about the gospel and how much God loves them.
11. I NEED to fill my own spiritual and emotional bucket with HIM. I was in a LifeGroup for part of the year and a study for part of the year. When things got really hectic at my house I stopped going. I realize now that this was the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I should have done. I should have made meeting with other believers who could and would lift me in prayer and keep me accountable through the tough times would have made the journey have a different perspective. Now I know.
12. This is EXACTLY where God wants me to be. I can see nearly EVERYTHING that has happened in my life in the last four or five years pointing to exactly where I am here and now...with exactly these boys. I hope that I can continue to recognize and FOLLOW where God wants me to be.
By no means is this list all-inclusive...but some things that come to mind.
1. A Parent's Love for a Child. I did not give birth to these boys, but I love them. I will fight for them, protect them, and love them. Everyone always says it is something you can't explain. I agree. It also gives me an understanding of God's love for us. Wow...He gave HIS SON for us. While I have a greater glimpse how much HE loves us...it still blows me away.
2. Unconditional Love. In many ways this goes hand in hand with a parent's love for a child. I can't think of how many times this year I have said to one of the boys "When you do something that disappoints me it doesn't make me love you less and when you do something I really like it doesn't make me love you more." I love them unconditionally. Sure I have been disappointed and I have been proud, but my love for these boys hasn't changed. They have broken my heart and they have made my heart very full. Again...an example of how God feels about us.
3. I am not in control. I really truly thought there were some things that were within my control before this past year. Now I know that my actions may have an influence on outcomes, but ultimately I am nowhere near in control. Thankfully God is in control and He knows the big picture. Me...with my limited perspective...would have made a HUGE mess of very many things this year.
4. I need help. All kinds of help. I can not do this alone. I do not have the strength, wisdom, or actually enough of anything to do this alone. It is because of God that I can do this. He chooses the people he places in my life for this journey to help me along the way and He and His plan are the help that I need.
5. God provides what we need when we need it. I have so many examples of this over the past year. He has provided people, services, and even a shoulder to cry on all when I needed them the most. There have absolutely been times this year when I disagreed with God's timing, but ultimately He knows the best timing and I have seen that over and over again.
6. Sometimes God's plan doesn't make sense...in an earthly way. Again...so many lessons were learned in areas where things just didn't make sense to me. Why did Middle Boy have to go to the juvenile center? Why wasn't Older Boy able to get the help he needed when he lived at my home? Why does Younger Boy struggle with so many things? Why when things seem to be going well does there always seem to be yet another thing? Some things I will never understand this side of heaven, I just have to trust that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.
7. All people are broken. I truly believed before that there were some people out there who had everything together. What I have come to realize is that those people...all people...are broken and need a savior.
8. Trusting God provides peace. I think back at my life over the years and how much energy I spent worrying...about everything. Throughout this year I have truly seen how learning to trust God has changed my perspective on this. Old me would have been even more of a mess during some of the things that went on in my home and with my boys this year. Growing me really believed that everything would work out...in some way. Maybe not the way I wanted, but in the way God intended. That gave me peace.
9. I have a lot of ugliness inside my heart. This is one of the newer lessons I am learning. This is one of the harder lessons I am learning. I need to ask God to help heal this ugliness and help me to react less and love more.
10. I want to be a better follower of HIM and teach my kids to follow HIM. If I don't teach these boys anything else in life I want them to know...really know...about the gospel and how much God loves them.
11. I NEED to fill my own spiritual and emotional bucket with HIM. I was in a LifeGroup for part of the year and a study for part of the year. When things got really hectic at my house I stopped going. I realize now that this was the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I should have done. I should have made meeting with other believers who could and would lift me in prayer and keep me accountable through the tough times would have made the journey have a different perspective. Now I know.
12. This is EXACTLY where God wants me to be. I can see nearly EVERYTHING that has happened in my life in the last four or five years pointing to exactly where I am here and now...with exactly these boys. I hope that I can continue to recognize and FOLLOW where God wants me to be.
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