Tonight I got two letters...one from each boy.  Both are heartbreaking in different ways.

Here they are...

Dear Mom...

I miss you so much that when I read your letter that you wrote me when Middle Boy was gone you wrote...Younger Boy...I'm glad I'm your mom.  I know you hate being an only child.  Hopefully you won't be for much longer.  I love you Younger Boy! - Mom

When I read that I about cried and after I read that I cried so much that I had to take off my glasses and hide so nobody could see me and ask me what was wrong.  I'm sorry about all the stress I've been giving you ever since I moved in with you and I'm so sorry about that and I'm also sorry about everything I've put you through and I hope that you can FORGIVE me and it's alright to cry.  Just remember that I'm always with you even when you're gone and not by me because what I mean is that I'm always with you in your heart even when you're gone and not by me and also in your prayers so just also remember that you should just be proud to have two talented and caring sons that care about you, love you, and are always with you wherever you go.

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Love, Younger Boy

P.S.  Just remember that I will always and will never stop loving you.

P.P.S.  Grandpa will be alright and all we need to do is just pray, pray, pray nonstop every night and hel'll be better very, very, very soon.

Love, Younger Boy

You're the Best Mom!!

He wrote it while he was away at respite and just found it in his bag tonight.  I wrote him a note that I love him and am glad he lives here.

Here's the other...

Dear Denise,

I thought I found my final family, but I guess I was wrong.  I loved you so much and you don't realize that I've never loved anybody like this.  It hurts me to know that I wasted it on another heartbreak.

I'm sorry that I'm not what you hoped for.  I can't help that.  I'm a screw up and that's all I'll ever be.  I failed so many times and I guess I failed again.  I have Younger Boy scared of me and crying in the bathroom.  That makes me the best big brother, right?  You don't want to deal with me anymore.  Thanks a lot for wasting my time.

You can tell everyone that our relationship failed because of me.  That's what I believe.  I ruined you and Younger Boy's lives.  I'm sorry.  You guys can improve your relationship.  I'll just stay out of your way.  Sometimes I feel like if I run away I'll make everybody happy.

I think I'm about to try it.  I'm sorry I made your life more stressful than it needs to be and the last thing you need is me in your way.  I know I scare you and Younger Boy because of my personality.  That's not fair.  After you read this, honestly tell me if this is true, because I know it is.

Sincerely,

Your Life Ruiner

This made me cry.  He has so much hurt and rejection inside of him.  I didn't say anything about him leaving.  He is so accustomed to that being the natural chain of events that he can't think of anything else.

I wrote him a letter back and read it to him.  He has never scared me.  I don't think he is a screw up.  We are his forever family.  He isn't getting out of it that easily. 

These boys have made my life so much more beautiful.  So much more joyous. 

Are there bad things?  Of course, but without a doubt the good outweighs the bad...maybe tenfold.

More than anything I wish the hurts would go away...would heal.  God will...in his time.  I'm so lucky he has chosen me to be a part of it.