I had my own therapy today over lunch.

Today I talked about my life growing up.  We talked about how I learned the things I learned.  The ways I learned to manage conflict and emotion. 

What I have known for a while now is this.  Generally speaking I do not show emotions...particularly in matters that deal with me.  I will cry when someone else is in pain, but rarely for myself.  The entire session Therapist M would ask me questions and I would tell her that those things don't matter anymore...they are water under the bridge.

We discussed how I felt about my parents growing up and how I feel now.  In all honesty I never realized my parents loved me until a couple of years ago when I read this book.  It was then that I realized both of my parents spoke the love language of acts of service.  Unfortunately it is also the one that means the least to me.  The two that speak the most to my heart are not two either of my parents (or anyone in my extended family) "speak".

Even thought I know this it has been such a long time of feeling a certain way that I have learned that my feelings and emotions don't matter. 

Recently I was hurt by something Great Grandma did (or didn't do).  I told Grandma about it.  She said "That's just Great Grandma."  What would have made all the difference in the world to me is if someone would have said "I bet that makes you sad or hurts your feelings."

When it comes to my family there are so many things that happen which hurt me...regularly.  I need to figure out how to let people know, because I am honestly at a crossroads of not caring anymore and wanting things to be different.

With the boys I am learning about feelings and I am learning to express them.  In some ways it is so hard for me.  Maybe that is part of the reason I relate to them like I do, because I get how they feel.

Prayers for healing of my heart and for the healing of the boys.  For me to be a good role model of healthy dealing with emotions as I navigate my way through figuring it out on my own.
0 Responses

Post a Comment