We are in the final struggles of pre-adoption where both boys are fighting with everything they have to PROVE they don't deserve to be in a family.  In fact Middle Boy told me tonight flat out "I don't deserve to have a family.  Never have.  Never will."

It is EXHAUSTING.

Here's how conversations go in our home right now.

I say "I would appreciate it if you would pick up after yourself."
They hear "I am too messy to live here so I'm not going to bother."

I say "Please follow directions."
They hear "I don't ever do what anyone says."

I say "Please stop doing (insert behavior)"
They hear "I'm not perfect so I can't live here."

EVERY NIGHT Middle Boy explodes and tells me everything going wrong is his fault.  There is nothing going wrong.  I ask him to point out what he thinks is going wrong and he says "Everything."  He then turns the tables on how I never accept accountability for anything and I am not perfect and on and on.  Being verbally attacked like that is exhausting.  I KNOW it is just him reflecting his feelings about himself on me, but I am feeling pretty beat down right now.

He went on and on tonight about how this isn't how a family is supposed to be.  I asked him to stop and reflect on what he thinks a family should be.  I emphasized that it ISN'T what you see on TV or in the movies.  People disagree. 

He doesn't think we do enough together.  WE DON'T DO ANYTHING APART except me going to work.  I asked what he wanted to do together.  His reply "Family things."  I don't know what that means to him.  I asked him to explain and it was "stuff together".

Both boys keep telling me "after the adoption.....".  Tonight I explained that we are going to go to a court hearing for the adoption and we are going to come back and we will still be the same people.  It isn't a magic wand waved over us.  He said "I will finally have a family".  Middle Boy....you ALREADY have a family.

He is incredibly caught up in before the juvenile center and after the juvenile center.  IT ISN'T DIFFERENT.  I DIDN'T LEAVE.  NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLY YOU TREAT ME IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS YOU AREN'T LEAVING.

Thanks for listening to the venting.  We need prayers for the next couple of months until permanency.