The third class in this attachment parenting class was helpful.  It is really helping me to change my perspective on some things.

Here's my synopsis and the notes...

Have You Found Yourself Saying...?

1. She keeps doing the same things over and over.
2. He'll never learn.
3. I should know how to handle this.
4. I don't like my child anymore.
5. I feel guilty.
6. I have told him 1000 times.

Fear Triggering Fear

Scared Child becomes Scary Child becomes Scared Parents becomes Scary Parents becomes Scared Child and the cycle just keeps continuing.

Calm Creating Calm

Scary child with a mindful parent can become a calm child.

Thoughts That May Be Helpful

1. Trauma changed my child's brain.
2. My child has a hole inside he needs to fill some way.
3. Wants are needs to my child.
4. My child developed these behaviors as a way to self-comfort and feel good.
5. My child is scared to be vulnerable.
6. My child is not evil or bad, he is scared.
7. My child needs to feel in control in order to feel safe.
8. Early trauma in childhood is similar to having a brain injury.

Anatomy of a Meltdown

There are three specific phases in a child's meltdown.

Phase 1:  Acting Out (Panic)
Phase 2:  Acting In (Shame)
Phase 3:  Repair and Reconnection (Emotional Pain)

Phase 1:  Acting Out - Panic

Your child's brain is stuck and there is no logical thought occurring.  All thought is emotional and is similar to a panic attack.

During this phase the child:

1. Can't tell the difference between the present and the past
2. Survival brain is activated.
3. Verbally and physically out of control.
4. Can't tolerate touch.
5. Often times don't remember what happened.

Managing Phase 1

Attune and calm the child.

1. Create a wider boundary by giving the child some space.
2. Tag team with a partner for calm, consistent presence.
3. Stay near and continually check in.
4. Use calm tone and repeat "I'm here and I love you."
5. Remind yourself the child's behavior is a reaction to the past.
6. Focus on one moment at a time.
7. Prevent injuries and property destruction.

Phase 2:  Acting In - Shame

Your child's brain is still stuck.

1. Negative beliefs.
2. Overwhelming emotions are still present.
3. Pushing away or reaching toward parent.
4. Coming back to present.
5. Fear of rejection or abandonment.
6. May or may not tolerate touch.

Managing Phase 2

Attuned Containment and Grounding

1. Create a closer boundary for containment and may or may not include physical touch.
2. Give reassuring messages of love and safety.
3. Verbal grounding to help child return to present moment.  Example:  Cany you feel your feet on the floor?
4. One parent is primary unless overwhelmed.

Phase 3:  Repair and Reconnection - Emotional Pain

Your child's brain is unstuck.

1. Child is back in present time.
2. Feelings of shame and anxiety about meltdown.
3. Can tolerate physical touch.
4. Needs to connect physically and emotionally.

Managing Phase 3

Attuned Restoration of Relationship Bond

1. Increase physical touch by rubbing their back or holding their hand.
2. Continued reassuring messages and affectionate touch.
3. Connect on an emotional level.  Logic still doesn't work.

"Falling Dominoes"

The dominoes in a behavioral meltdown generally fall like this:

1. Child is vulnerable.
2. Child is triggered.
3. Feelings.
4. Negative thoughts.
5. Body sensations.
6. Meltdown.

Two scenarios where this might play out:

Homework

1. Child is tired.
2. Mom asks child to do homework.
3. Mad
4. Homework is too hard.
5. Hands are clenched.
6. Acting out child hits table with fists and yells.

Call from School

1. Stressed and behind in school assignments.
2. Teacher says "I'm calling your mom about missing assignments."
3. Ashamed and fearful.
4. I am no good and stupid.
5. Stress headache.
6. Child throws backpack and screams "I hate school."

First Domino:  Vulnerability Factors

Think of situations in your child's recent past that increase their likelihood of being triggered.

1. Sleep issues.
2. Physical illness.
3. Parental mood and behaviors.
4. Recent misbehavior and consequences.
5. School related stress.

Second Domino:  Triggering Event

Think about things/events that trigger your child:

1. Teacher yelling at child at school.
2. Child caught in misbehavior.
3. Asked to do a chore.
4. Homework.
5. Parents angry face.

More Dominoes:  Negative Thoughts About Self

1. My parent/teacher is mean.
2. I am not safe.
3. I am a bad kid.
4. I am not good enough.
5. I don't do anything good enough.

More Dominoes:  Upsetting Feelings

1. Shame and guilt.
2. Anxiety
3. Anger
4. Frustration
5. Powerlessness
6. Hurt
7. Grief

More Dominoes:  Body Sensations

1. Heavy chest.
2. Headache
3. Tension in neck and back.
4. Sick feeling in stomach.
5. Trembling.

Last Domino:  The Meltdown

Understanding and Responding to Concerning Behaviors

Why They Do What They Do

Children who do not trust their caregivers will do what they think they need to do in order to:

1. Survive.
2. Protect themselves.
3. Comfort themselves.
4. Attempt to regulate themselves in maladaptive ways.

These children lack core trust.  This situation was compared to the way a person would behave if they were a POW.  In a POW camp the prisoners are relying on their caregivers, but don't trust them.  It is the same with a kiddo lacking attachment.  This is why there is rarely remorse seen, because they believe they are doing what they need to do to survive.

Survival Mode

Basic mistrust leads to a need for self comfort leads through:

1. Stealing.
2. Sexualized behaviors.
3. Lying .
4. Food issues.

There are two types of lying which are prevalent - survival lying and lying to create an increased sense of self.

Core Mistrust

Basic mistrust and poor emotion regulation leads to:

1. Defiance
2. Aggression

"I won't do what you say because I don't believe you have my best interest at heart."

Children Who Miss the Window of Opportunity for Regulation (Birth to Age 2)

1. Poor sleep.
2. Food issues.
3. Bathroom issues.
4. Poor emotional regulation.

What Children Need From You to Get Better and Feel Better

1. Attune when you notice your child is in survival brain.
2. Strengthen the connection through acceptabnce, mindfulness and play to gain their trust.
3. Lots of time, energy, and patience.

Food Issues

Calming Thought:  "My child has a hole he needs to fill in some way."
Attuned Response:  "I know you feel like you want to eat."  "It's hard for you to trust me.  You can come to me."

Lying

Calming Thought:  "The child is in survival brain, instinctually lies."
Attuned Response:  "I know this is hard for you, but we need to work on being accurate with your words."

Defiance and Aggression

Calming Thought:  "The child thinks I am against him .  I need to help him know that I am on his side."
Attuned Response:  "I love you.  It's my job to keep you safe.  It's my job to keep you safe.  It's my job to guide you.  I am on your side."

Stealing

Calming Thought:  "Wants are needs to my child."
Attuned Thought:  "I know it feels to you like this thing will make you happy.  It's hard for you to trust that I will give you what you need."

Bathroom Issues

Calming Thought:  "My child missed this window of opportunity to learn these skills."  "My child thinks I am the enemy."
Attuned Response:  "I am not the enemy.  I am here to help you."

Sexualized Behaviors

Calming Thought:  "this may have been the only kind of touch he knew."
Attuned Response:  "We will work with a therapist on this.  We love you no matter what."

Concerning Words

They say - "I hate you."  They mean - "I hate the way I am feeling."
They say - "I wish I was dead."  They mean - "I want to escape from these feelings."
They say - "I wish you were dead."  "I want to kill you."  They mean - "I am hurt and I blame you."
They say - "I wish you had never adopted me!"  They mean - "I feel I don't belong."
They say - "I would be happier with my birth parent."  They mean  - "I am grieving the loss of my birth parent."
They say - "You're stupid."  They mean - "I'm upset and I don't know how to talk about it."

Understanding Feelings and Beliefs driving the Behaviors Can Help You Become...

1. Mindful
2. Aware
3. Insighful
4. Pro-active
5. Flexible
6. Empathetic
7. Connected.

Not every behavior has to be punished and not everything needs to have consequences.  Sometimes it is best to just sit next to the child and hold their hand.  You need to do whatever you have to do.

Integrative Parenting

1. Over time your mindful, attuned approach will help your child develop integration between the emotional and logical brains.
2. With assistance from you, your child can learn to think about this thinking and to think about his feelings.
3. Self reflection = sensible decisions.