After the day I have had I have NO DESIRE to go to camp.

T came over to help motivate me.  Essentially she loaded the car and packed up everything while I sat on the couch and repeated that I was not going. 

I threw my own stuff in a bag with complete disregard for things like matching outfits or even checking the packing list.  My heart wasn't in going and if I looked like I didn't want to be there it was because I didn't.  I was too tired.  I was too overwhelmed and I didn't have anything...not a single thing to give to those girls.

T left to go to the church and I left to follow her.  I called my mom and cried all the way to the church to pick up the people riding with me.  I couldn't do it.  I felt like I had to.  I just wanted to stay home and sleep/cry.

Grandma really did encourage me to drop the stuff off and leave.  She knew I needed to be able to give myself permission for it to be okay.

I just couldn't.  I couldn't bring myself to do it.

When we got there A told me she was going to text me, but couldn't bring herself to do it.  Here would have been the words of her text "You are going.  Sometimes the only thing in life you get to choose is your attitude."  Might seem harsh, but it is the phrase I repeated OVER and OVER one year at camp.  Had she sent it I would have literally laughed out loud.

Camp changed my life five years ago.  I will be there.