Class two of the FACT class was all about being mindful, emotional attunement, and connecting through play.  The first part focused a lot on how you as the parent are feeling.  It was pretty eye-opening.

What is Mindfulness?

1. A form of mental activity that trains the mind to become aware of awareness itself and to pay attention to one's own intention.
2. It is being calm in the middle of chaos.

How is Mindfulness Helpful?

It creates a foundation for resilience and/or flexibility within ourselves which in turn helps us with our children and the relationship we have with them.

Why Be Mindful?

1. When parents practice mindfulness, they are able to help their children develop mindfulness.
2. Mindfulness = calmer parents.
3. Calmer parents = calmer children.
4. Mirroring neurons.
5. When you know the intention of an action it activates a different part of the brain.
6. The more calme you can be the more calm children will become over time.

There are a number of videos discussing mirroring neurons online at www.psychalive.org.

Is it Too Late?

1. Neuroplasticity is a term used to describe capacity to create new neural connections and growing new neurons in response to experience. 
2. There is always the possibility of a new neuron creation.
3. Pre-teaching helps with the neuron creation and you can NEVER pre-teach too much!

Mindfulness Practice - Where are you now?

1. Take a moment right now and watch sensations in your body, emotions, and the thoughts that go through your head.
2. Notice your body.  Which muscles are relaxed?  Which are tense?
3. Notice your emotions.
4. Notice your thoughts.
5. Don't judge your thoughts or feelings.  They just "are".

What are you hearing?

The examples they used were the theme song from Jaws and an ocean.

If your thoughts going through your mind are "shark music" you are dysregulated and need to get to a spot where you are hearing the "ocean music".

Find What Works for You

1. Regular meditation, prayer, yoga, diaphragmatic breathing or other breathing techniques lead to increased mindfulness and a greater sense of calm.
2. Experiment to find what works for you, and what you most enjoy.
3. Make it something simple.  Even if you just have to pull the car over and take a deep breath...DO IT!

Part of Mindfulness is Awareness of My Roots

1. Our own automatic parenting reactions are rooted in our childhood experiences.
2. How calm were my parents?
3. What were my parents' attitudes about raising children?
4. Am I reacting or responding?
5. How does my child bring up thougths and feelings about my past?

Intentionally Connect with Your Child Every Day (10-20-10 method)

This contact needs to be quiet contact.  No loud voices or discussions about behaviors.  Quiet contact can simply be silence.

1. 10 minutes of quiet contact first thing in the morning.
2. 20 minutes of relaxed talking at the end of their school/work day.
3. 10 minutes of quiet togetherness at bedtime.

Ideally this would be with each child individually.  If these timeframes don't work still do the quiet time in proportions.  Consider what agenda is keeping them from working.

Your Child's Inner State

Children with attachment and trauma issues are not self-aware and they have little self-regulation.  Therefore even a small level of emotion can send the child into a dysregulated state.

Your Child Needs Your Calm Brain

1. Your calm presence will help your child become regulated.
2. Your calm presence will help your child feel more connected to you.
3. Your calm presence will help your child think, process, and learn.

Emotional Attunement

A parent' curiosity, openness, and acceptance helps the child become more aware of their own thoughts and feelings.

Steps to Emotional Attachment

1. Listen for the child's emotions beneath the behavior.  Be a detective.  They may not have a feeling vocabulary or a connection to their feelings.  Typical feelings are hungry and lonely, but present as angry.
2. Reassure.  I love you.  I'm here if you need me.  You can have these feelings and be okay.  You can talk to me about your feelings when you are ready.  Connect emotional before logically.  Validate, don't fix.  Think emotionally and then logically.
3. Paraphrase, reflect, adn empathize.  "I remember feeling angry in a similar situation.  Everyone feels that way sometimes.  How can I help?"

A good book on this topic is The Whole Brained Child.

There are three other books recommended by the attachment center, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Volume 2, and Dare to Love.

It is common that a child who has been neglected has an inability to read facial expression and tend to read every expression as angry. 

Children who have been abused are very good at ready facial expressions and are hyper-vigilant at doing so.  (This is both Middle Boy and Younger Boy.)

Mindfulness in the Moment

1. You look sad.  Can you notice?  Are you having some sad feelings or thoughts?
2. Can you look inside and see what you are feeling?  Can you tell me?  Can you write or draw about this?
3. Let's take a big breath together and breathe out really slowly, okay?
4. You know, all your feelings are normal and okay.  I'm here to help you with any feelings you have.

Techniques for Calming Your Child's Brain

1. Speak in a soft tone of voice.  Use a gentle voice tone.
2. Dim the lights.
3. Time In:  "Do you want me to sit with you or near you?"
4. OR:  "Do you need to take space?"
5. Give the child time.
6. Attune, empathize.

Practice Calming Your Child

1. When your child is calm, let them know you want to help them.
2. Problem-solve some steps to getting calm when your child is calm.
3. Walk through the steps to becoming calm.
4. For example:
• Will you want me to stay with you?
• Would you rather have alone time in your room?
• Let's practice how you would walk to your room.
• Let's practice what you will do.

Practice Staying in the Moment.

Mindful Parenting vs. Minefield Parenting

Mindfield Parenting is fear-based parenting.  It tends to be reactive, inflexible, fatiguing, depressing, and ineffective.  No relationship is being built.

Mindful Parenting is attunded parenting.  The mindful parent is aware, insightful, pro-active, flexible, and effective.  The mindful parent is empathetic.  The mindful parent uses a calm voice and a light, easy-going intonation.

No Parent is Perfect!!

1. But the mindful parent can look at himself honestly and keep on trying.
2. The mindful parent attempts to learn from past experiences.
3. The mindful parent understands his shortcomings and seeks out support and education.
4. The mindful parent adjusts to the ever-changing needs of the child.

Take a Parenting Sample

What percentage of the day do you spend doing the following with your kids:

1. Fun activities
2. Play
3. Nurturing touch
4. Chores/homework
5. Conflicts/arguments

The last two categories should be less than the first three.

I am going to save the piece on play for another time!!  This part made my head hurt, because I can think of SO MANY times where I was far from mindful.  I am starting to notice my own triggers as a parent though and I think that should count for something.