I have a feeling this post will be long, because I learned a lot and it made me think A LOT.

Development of Emotional regulations is based on the following things:

1. A baby operates only out of the right brain.  The left brain is not fully developed.
2. When the parent holds an upset baby, the baby's brain harmonizes with the calm, regulated brain of the parent.
3. If the parent's brain is "organized", over time, the baby's brain will become "organized".
4. The prefrontal brain is dependent on the attachment relationship for optimal development.  Repeated soothing or comforting from the parent increases the number of brain cells in the baby's prefrontal brain.

The prefrontal brain:

1. Is the executive control for the entire brain.
2. Modulates emotional reactions.
3. Allows delayed gratification.
4. Allows focus and concentration.
5. Allows shifting from one focus to another focus.

A lot of kids with reactive attachment disorder present as ADHD, because of the lack of development in the prefrontal brain.  While ADHD medications will help some of the symptoms attachment is more helpful than the medications.  While you can't remove all of the affects you can make significant strides over a length of time.

Positive Core Beliefs:

A child who repeatedly experiences nurturing, comforting, and having needs met develops core positive beliefs.

1. It's safe to love.  It's safe to trust.
2. I belong.
3. It's safe to have feelings.
4. It's safe to be vulnerable.
5. I can ask for help.
6. I can count on my mom and dad to take care of me.
7. I can accept help and comfort.
8. I am loved and lovable and I don't have to be perfect.
9. I am good and I deserve good things.
10. The world is safe.
11. I can expect good things from others.

Negative Core Beliefs:

A baby who is not comforted has a brain that remains dysregulated and disorganized.  It has poor development of the prefrontal brain.  He experiences unremitting fear and lives in an ongoing state of anxiety and stress.

1. There is no one to help me.
2. I am all alone.
3. I don't belong.
4. I am not important.
5. I'm not safe.
6. Bad things will happen.
7. I can't get what I need.
8. I am going to die!
9. I have to take care of myself.
10. I can't get the closeness and love I need.
11. It's not safe to have needs or feelings..
12. I will always be rejected or abandoned.
13. I'm not good enough.
14. It is not safe to love.

If I would have thought long enough I could have come up with this entire list through the eyes of the boys.

Traumatic Memory

A traumatic memory is encapsulated along with the emotions, beliefs, and body sensations associated with the trauma.

Even a SINGLE frightening event can cause traumatic stress symptoms like frightening images or thoughts, distressing dreams, flashbacks, reactivity to triggers, and avoidance of reminders of the event.

Flashbacks can be feelings only.

Trauma and the Brain

Chronic high levels of stress hormones lead to changes inthe brain, resulting in an overactive emotional brain and an underactive rational brain.

Trauma and Attachment

When a child is traumatized within his earliest attachment relationships by abuse, neglect, or separations, attachement figures become part of the stored traumatic memory.

Pre-verbal trauma remains stored in the emotional brain.

Survival Response

Behaviors normally labeled oppositional, rebellious, unmotivated, or antisocial are the natural by-product of a brain that is wired for survival.

These behaviors are all part of the fight-flight-freeze response.  It is nature's way of helping us survive in a threatening environment.

What Events Interfere with Secure Attachment

1. Early neglect or abuse by parents.
2. Loss or separation from parents/caregivers.
3. Early and painful medical interventions.
4. "Secret" or "shameful" experiences.
5. Emotionally unavailable caregivers.

Small "t" Traumas

Small "t" traumas are not life-threatening, but can threateen sense of belonging, self-worth, and trust.

1. Being ignored for long periods.
2. Witnessing parents fighting or overwhelmingly distressed.
3. Chaotic events the child cannot understand.
4. Being criticized, rejected, or belittled.

Ongoing Issues with Trauma Triggers

As the child ages, any reminder of previous trauma may trigger negative emotions, beliefs, and associated sensations.

Triggers may even be associated with traumatic events that occurred during infancy.

Survival response - The child will go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Common Triggers

1. Mom saying no.  Teacher saying no.
2. Stern look on an adult's face.
3. Mom paying attention to a sibling.
4. Parents going out of town.
5. Holidays
6. Homework
7. Bedtime
8. Time out or consequence.

All of these are triggers for both boys.  Research shows that the reason homework is commonly a trigger is that often times it brings up the feeling of confusion and that is the actual trigger.

A Child in Survival Brain

1. Has a low capacity to focus and learn well.
2. Is unable to enjoy relationships.
3. Has little ability to think about the future, the affects of poor choices, or to wait for something good.

In my opinion Middle Boy is in survival brain 95 - 100% of the time and Younger Boy is there about 80% of the time.

Chronic Trauma Results in Emotional Dysregulation

There is a scale of tolerance of emotions we all experience.

1. Sympathetic Nervous System Arousal (Hyper-Arousal) - We are emotionally reactive, aggressive, impulsive, hyper-defensive, or frozen and paralyzed.
2. Window of Tolerance - We can stay connected, process, and learn.  This window is VERY narrow in wounded children.
3. Parasympathetic Nervous System Arousal (Hypo-Arousal) - We feel numb, disassociated, collaped, slowed, feeling dead, and have psychomotor retardation.

All people experience all of these in their lifetime.  Some people have the general reaction of one way or another.  The most insightful thing to me about this was if you are in state 1 or state 3 you cannot learn.  The example they gave was in a child lacking attachment you cannot correct or reason when they are out of the window of tolerance.  They compared it to trying to correct a seizure in a child who is epileptic.  The goal when dealing with kiddos with a lack of attachment is to connect, redirect, and then when they are back in the window of tolerance address the behavior.  This is why traditional parenting strategies fail with reactive attachment kiddos.

Children suffering from attachment trauma have little to no control over their behaviors, which are related to a reflexive survival response.

Attachment Trauma Plays Out in the Following:

1. Self-hatred.
2. Self-doubt.
3. Shame.
4. Fear.
5. Anger.
6. Mistrust.
7. Self-protection.
8. Acting out.

Stuck Cycles

A child enters the world ready to trust, love, and bond with his parents.  When trust is broken, the bond is broken.  The child who can't trust lives in survival mode.

The child's behaviors cause the parent to feel rejected by the child.  The parent feels hurt, angry, and confused.  This causes them to develop their own negative beliefs:

1. My child is rejecting me.
2. My child doesn't love me.
3. My child is hurting me.

It causes the parent to become:

1. Shut down.
2. Push away others.
3. Become angry and irritable.
4. Become anxious and fearful.
5. Become hypervigilant.

The main thing about parenting a reactive attachment child is to address the beliefs not the behaviors.  To do this you have to become in tune with your child and observant of their triggers.

The next four classes are parenting strategies.  I can't wait.