Middle Boy started to freak out on the way home from therapy.  Screaming about how stressful his life is right now.  Just listing thing after thing that is stressful.

A little bit frustrating for me, but kind of a relief.  He is starting to recognize he can't just bottle everything up and think he isn't going to explode.

I asked him if we could talk calmly about everything when we got home.  Much to my disbelief, he agreed.

We talked about the things which are stressing him out.  We talked about the things stressing me out.  We talked about how he doesn't trust me and the reasons why.  More than one time during the discussion he dissociated.  He sort of knows when it happens, because twice he said to me "that was weird".

I find it happens when the emotion gets to be too much.  Last night one dissociative event occurred when I said I understood his brain is continually in survival mode.  I listed to him the behaviors which come with survival mode and how I know when I say something he interprets as me "being mean" or "I don't know what's best" or "I don't understand him and what he needs".  I asked him if during those times he could hear me.  It was too much.  He dissociated.

Another time happened when I asked him to tell me what defined him.  How he thought of himself.  He didn't say much so I started asking questions.  Hard questions.  Did he think anyone loved him?  Did he think he was lovable?  Did he think he had self-worth?  Did he know people cared about him?  Did he know I would take care of him and help him?  He started out answering.  No...he is not worthy of love.  Many people in his life have made that perfectly clear.  Then he dissociated, but I kept talking.  Talking about how much I loved him.  How there are so many people who love him.  How God loves him and will never leave him.

When he snapped out of it I asked him if he would list to me the people who love him.  He listed God, Sophie (our dog), me, Younger Boy, and my parents.  I asked him about other people and he said no to all of them.  I asked him how he knew.  He knows God because of the Bible.  He knows Sophie, because dogs love everyone.  The rest of us he knows, because we show him.  When I asked how we show him and he didn't know.

I asked him about the adoption.  I asked what he thought about it.  How he pictures life after adoption.  He is nervous.  Nervous it won't happen.  Nervous we will get there and be in the courtroom and I will change my mind.  Nervous he won't have the right answers to their questions.  I told him I, too, am nervous and afraid.  I am nervous I won't have the right answers to their questions and they will tell me I can't adopt the boys.  Nervous when the boys are asked if they want me to adopt them they will say no.  Afraid they will be disappointed after the adoption when all of their trauma and baggage is not gone.  Afraid they are expecting life to become perfect.

I am so thankful Middle Boy is starting to open up.  Admittedly I am working VERY HARD with him.  A lot of what I am doing with him I am doing with Younger Boy in therapy in a more childlike way.

We are getting there...for that I give thanks.
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