I am looking back at this blog...this is my 2000th post. EGAD....that's a lot of things to process and a lot of praises and prayer.
It is almost ironic that my choice for this post is all of the reasons why I REALLY want to meltdown. Why I want to throw myself on the floor, or my bed, or wherever really and just have a complete meltdown.
Homework...we can't get a grip on this. What makes this all the more frustrating to me is the boys don't really seem to care. Doesn't really matter to them if they do the work or not, get bad grades or not, have missing assignments or not. At least that it how it seems. If they don't care, then why do I? I haven't really been able to pinpoint it quite yet. Is it because I know they can do it and I want them to be successful in life? Is it because I think it is their responsibility and I don't understand why they can't see it? Is it because I was a good student and I loved school and I don't understand why they don't? Is it because I think the fact that they are both doing miserably in school somehow makes me look like a bad mom? I know there is some of the last one in there. Every time I hear from a teacher I just cringe. I think to myself "they probably are wondering why I can't get them to do this work". "They probably think I am completely inept as a parent." These are the things I think.
Bedtime....another thing we can't get a grip on. We just can't. I am so very tired all of the time. I don't have the luxury of getting home at 3pm and resting. I don't have the luxury of sleeping in on the weekend. I can't wind myself down until I get some quiet time during the day and IT ISN'T fair that it is happening at midnight.
Bureaucracy...there are so many things that can be lumped in with this one. The prescription ordeal of yesterday. The fact that my subsidy checks aren't straightened out and Case Manager is on vacation until December 3rd. The fact that medicaid is still not really straightened out. The state was very quick to get it cancelled...not so quick to get it reinstated. The fact that I need to get NEW social security numbers for the boys so no one from their past can claim them on taxes anymore and that I don't have ANYWHERE NEAR the right paperwork to pull that off.
My foster care license....this is so frustrating. Honestly I don't know the status of it right now. I know that my agency and the prime agency are fighting it. I know that Voices for Children is working on a position paper and that CASA is writing a letter. Middle Boy's attorney and therapist are involved, because HHS is using records that should have been sealed with the adoption. It makes me angry.
Lying and trust...I am so sick of the continual lying in my house. Younger Boy's therapists warned me that this could happen. That the fact that everyone in my house is RAD except me will make me start to feel crazy. Like I can't trust anyone and that no one is telling me the truth...ever. They warned me that I can't let it carry over to my life outside of home. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. I spend all my time verifying and backchecking and trying to trip the boys up, because it is so very rare that I am getting even an ounce of truth.
Social Savvy...the fact that my boys are socially savvy. That until you really spend time with them they both seem like charming polite boys. To the outside world they are. To me...not as much. The verbal abuse in my home ebbs and flows. Luckily now we are in a period where there hasn't been as much lately. I just have to brace myself for the next unannounced storm.
So...here I am 2000 posts later and I am hanging by a thread. Pray for me to get over these things. To let them go. To get some rest. To realize that in the grand scheme of things they aren't really such a big deal. To remember that God has it all in control. I just need to trust in him.
It is almost ironic that my choice for this post is all of the reasons why I REALLY want to meltdown. Why I want to throw myself on the floor, or my bed, or wherever really and just have a complete meltdown.
Homework...we can't get a grip on this. What makes this all the more frustrating to me is the boys don't really seem to care. Doesn't really matter to them if they do the work or not, get bad grades or not, have missing assignments or not. At least that it how it seems. If they don't care, then why do I? I haven't really been able to pinpoint it quite yet. Is it because I know they can do it and I want them to be successful in life? Is it because I think it is their responsibility and I don't understand why they can't see it? Is it because I was a good student and I loved school and I don't understand why they don't? Is it because I think the fact that they are both doing miserably in school somehow makes me look like a bad mom? I know there is some of the last one in there. Every time I hear from a teacher I just cringe. I think to myself "they probably are wondering why I can't get them to do this work". "They probably think I am completely inept as a parent." These are the things I think.
Bedtime....another thing we can't get a grip on. We just can't. I am so very tired all of the time. I don't have the luxury of getting home at 3pm and resting. I don't have the luxury of sleeping in on the weekend. I can't wind myself down until I get some quiet time during the day and IT ISN'T fair that it is happening at midnight.
Bureaucracy...there are so many things that can be lumped in with this one. The prescription ordeal of yesterday. The fact that my subsidy checks aren't straightened out and Case Manager is on vacation until December 3rd. The fact that medicaid is still not really straightened out. The state was very quick to get it cancelled...not so quick to get it reinstated. The fact that I need to get NEW social security numbers for the boys so no one from their past can claim them on taxes anymore and that I don't have ANYWHERE NEAR the right paperwork to pull that off.
My foster care license....this is so frustrating. Honestly I don't know the status of it right now. I know that my agency and the prime agency are fighting it. I know that Voices for Children is working on a position paper and that CASA is writing a letter. Middle Boy's attorney and therapist are involved, because HHS is using records that should have been sealed with the adoption. It makes me angry.
Lying and trust...I am so sick of the continual lying in my house. Younger Boy's therapists warned me that this could happen. That the fact that everyone in my house is RAD except me will make me start to feel crazy. Like I can't trust anyone and that no one is telling me the truth...ever. They warned me that I can't let it carry over to my life outside of home. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. I spend all my time verifying and backchecking and trying to trip the boys up, because it is so very rare that I am getting even an ounce of truth.
Social Savvy...the fact that my boys are socially savvy. That until you really spend time with them they both seem like charming polite boys. To the outside world they are. To me...not as much. The verbal abuse in my home ebbs and flows. Luckily now we are in a period where there hasn't been as much lately. I just have to brace myself for the next unannounced storm.
So...here I am 2000 posts later and I am hanging by a thread. Pray for me to get over these things. To let them go. To get some rest. To realize that in the grand scheme of things they aren't really such a big deal. To remember that God has it all in control. I just need to trust in him.
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