This morning I had an almost two hour talk with one of the pastors at our church.  Actually it was more like me talking and him listening and asking questions here and there.

As I was talking I realized a lot of things about what is going on in my life right now.  I realized that I don't have the emotional energy to do much more than put one foot in front of the other and think from one minute to the next.  I don't have the energy to plan or make peace or anything other than survive.

We talked about the friction between me and Mentor R.  He offered to sit down with us if I was at a place mentally to do that.  I told him that one day I do want to talk with Mentor R, but right now my focus has to be on the boys and their needs.

He asked me who's voice was the loudest pouring into me.  I actually started to cry, because I don't have one.  I mentally ticked through a list of people who I talk to every now and then and share things with occassionally, but no one single voice is there.  I don't know who it is.  I don't know who it should be.  I hear God's voice, but there is no earthly voice that helps me sustain.

I pray about our situation all of the time.  I wonder if I need a therapist or just someone to sit and listen on a regular basis.  Almost immediately my next thought is "when would I do that?"

He asked how the church can help.  I told him I am sure there are ways, but at this point in time I can't take a step back for long enough to figure out what that might even be.

I told him of the situation with Younger Boy and permanency or no permanency. 

We talked about hope.

We talked about wisdom to do the right thing and more importantly peace at the decision.

I am so thankful for our discussion.