I am actually proud of myself for going to therapy today.  Honestly it took everything I had to get myself there, but I could hear God's promptings about needing this.  Needing someone to listen.  Someone who knows Him and knows me.

I cried.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of apprehension about having to tell the boys about delaying the move...again.  Knowing what frustration and confusion looks like in our home.  Tears of bracing myself for the worst and the unknown of how this confusion might manifest itself.

We talked about support system throughout life.  We started with today and worked backward.  Where did I turn with my problems?

Now, I turn to God.  Sometimes I come to the realization that I need to painfully slowly.  I'm learning.  Maybe that is why things are the way they are.  Because I still need to learn.

Is there an earthly person?  No.  In all honesty...no.  I think Therapist M was surprised when I said it.  If I was really sad is there someone I would pick up the phone and call...nope.

What about in college?  Was there someone there?  Sort of.  More about proximity than actual relationship.

High school?  Nope...not then.  M and S are probably my dearest friends from high school, but they have become that way since high school.  Could I call them?  Probably.  Do I?  No.

Junior high?  You have to be kidding me.

Younger?  Nope...no one comes to mind.

Therapist M told me what she has observed in me in the past year and a half is an amazing ability to quickly process emotion.  She said she thought at first I was stuffing emotion so I didn't have to deal with it, but she now feels that I just have an ability to process it way more quickly than most people and move on.  In fact she said she would like to have her professor meet with us a couple of times to see if her analysis is correct.  (This is the beauty of doing therapy with a masters student.  You always get a second opinion...for free.)

My assignment is two fold.  Try to understand the pattern of choosing (yes, choosing) to rely only on self and think about a relationship where I could learn to trust the person enough to tell them in person I was sad. 

Thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

God...help me to change my opinion/thoughts on trusting others.  I pray for wisdom in how to learn to trust and a heart open to change.