Today I am on a roller coaster of emotion and I am sitting here with all of these things going through my head...things I wish were different.
Here's what I wish...

1. I would have never started this blog.  While it has been a good outlet to talk about my life and keep people updated it has isolated me from people.  I no longer talk to anyone.
2. I felt like I had some friends.  I am not trying to offend anyone, because I KNOW I have friends.  I am just struggling with loneliness right now.  I don't know anymore who to call when I need to talk.  I can't remember.
3. I could use vacation days for myself.  I am at the limit on negative now and with the exception of camp I haven't done anything but go to appointments for the boys, court for the boys, and the hospital for eighteen months.
4. My sisters could come to the adoptions.  While I "get" that they don't live here and it is during the week it doesn't mean I am not disappointed.
5. This whole house situation was squared away.  We could get moved (or not) and get settled.
6. I could send the boys to respite and just stay home and cry...for the whole weekend.  I can't do this right now.  They are SUCH A MESS about school starting, moving, and the adoption that me being gone for a weekend would push them over an already way too close ledge.
7. I could trust God more.  I could know things will work out in His timing and I would be okay with it.
8. I wasn't tempted to cancel my therapy session over lunch, because I don't want her to see what a mess I am.
9. Middle Boy wasn't so attuned to my thoughts and moods.  That he could be oblivious and not worry about me.
10. I could sleep for an entire night without waking up worried about something.
11. I had grown up in a house where it was okay to be sad and not feel guilty about it.  Okay to feel any emotion and not feel guilty.
12. I wish I knew how to ask for help. 

I apologize for being a mess today.  I don't know what has come over me, but I haven't been able to stop the tears all morning.

Please understand.  I know I am beyond blessed.  WAY BEYOND BLESSED.  Today I am sad....and that's okay.