This morning I awoke to more disrespectfulness.

Having had time to think about it I asked Middle Boy what he wants from me.  I reminded him I have told him time and again how I am not giving up on him until he gives up on himself.  He told me I should have given up a long time ago then.

He told me he needs to know what he is doing wrong, because I only tell him things he does right and that is too frustrating.  Not true, but I'm not in the mood to argue.  He said he no longer trusts me.  I believe he was projecting that I should no longer trust him.  In fact I know he was.

I asked how we were going to get past this, because I can't do it every day anymore.  He said he will try.  I told him those are words and that they need to be backed by action.  Words don't cut it with me anymore.  I don't need more words, more promises.  I don't believe them anyway.  He uses them to manipulate and hurt.

At one point he was nearly in tears, but then decided to tell me how much I suck as a parent.  He told me he can't change until all of the state workers are out of our lives.  I told him I thought that was an excuse for his behavior and that they didn't affect it one way or another.  He was choosing to blame them.

So...here I am...exhausted...AGAIN.  Feeling like I am not making a difference and I am NEVER going to get through to this kid.  Honestly feeling like throwing in the towel, because it is hard.  Wondering why on earth God chose me for this.  Knowing that I need to rely on him, but struggling to do so.

Prayers for trust...me trusting God.  It is through Him that I can do all things, but I keep forgetting it.